Rilakkuma<3

I am in love with Rilakkuma and his pals his name means relax bear <3

Pesto!

Alright seriously this was cool. Did you know how much there is to learn about pesto? WOW!

So, I research everything I cook and try to find the most amazing authentic awesome recipes. I did a lot of digging on this one and there are soooo many different variations! Well, after all my searching I deducted that I wanted to go the super authentic route. I didn't really use a specific recipe I did a lot of it by taste and look and I combined the ideas from recipes I read. I decided to use a pestle.

Pesto

You will need:

Pine nuts
Fresh basil (the smallest freshest leaves possible)
Olive oil
Garlic
Salt
Parmesan cheese

Now, I have done this twice and before I do it again I will be getting a larger pestle.

First you will need a large bunch of basil. Pick all of the leaves off and if there is a large vein running through the leaf pull the leaf off around it. wash all your leaves and lay them out on a towel to air dry.
while you are waiting I would slightly toast your pine nuts to give them some extra flavor (you can also use walnuts). You want to use about a handful of pine nuts and just dry roast them in a small pan. (set aside to cool)
Next roughly Chop up two to three cloves of garlic depending on taste (this makes it easier to crush in the pestle)
here comes the fun part...lol...toss the pine nuts and garlic in to the pestle and begin crushing.
after that's pretty smashed up add in some leaves. little by little keep adding the leaves until you have added them all.
Make sure to taste is every now and then to make sure you like the flavor (it's a super concentrated taste so be objective to that fact.)
After you have all the leaves in add the cheese (you can use just the shredded stuff in a can but I'd recommend getting the good stuff) use about a 1/2 cup and put in a few pinches of salt (i prefer sea salt)
then add the olive oil.

tips:
This can all be done with a food processor if you prefer however, DO NOT use extra virgin olive oil it does something funny to it and can ruin the taste.

You can also just chop everything very fine.

(with these other methods it's still good it just doesn't taste quite the same.)

Japan woo!

So I really haven't blogged in well months and I apologize for that. Now that I am in Japan and I have a considerably smaller list of tasks to accomplish each day I am going to try remedy that and begin writing again. yay =) so this one is short and sweet. Well I am in Japan and I love it, other than the small fact that my sisters dog feels it's necessary to lick my entire arm as I try to type, but really its great here kinda rainy but its pretty and i like it and it's good to see my sis again. So before I left I got fired from the job from hell thank god didn't wanna work there anymore anyhow and then I spent a few months just working as a waitress before I left. I was wrong about Mr. X what can I say I get to passionate about things in the beginning and then realize I was diluted. He was a cool guy don't get me wrong but us...together...nah not to mention I sorta fell for his best friend....hahaha drama actually not really because after my last blog about him he quit and we fell out of contact and I fell for his bestie man I'm a jerk huh. So to sum things all up Im doing good great actually, gonna enjoy my time in Japan, and try not to think about how my love life is still just as fucked up as always. I'll blog again later this week and try to find more interesting things to say until then <3

Every Time it's Right...it's wrong

Hello emptiness. You know it's great that I am going to be doing all these things like Japan and school and all that and honestly I wanted to be single while I was in Japan so I could like grow and stuff but of course I met someone. Seriously the guy from work, lets call him Mr. X (he sorta made up his own name) , not my type at all if you can even call my type a type. I have dated a pretty wide array of men. Tattooed from head to toe, Preppy little Christan boys, Tall dark and handsome..I've pretty much covered a lot of bases...well Mr.X is like off the radar...he is super into sports, listens to country and rap, loves movies and being a homebody, picky eater....can you tell how not my type he is?? if you cant lets throw in the buff part and the fact that he hates bars he is also from West Virginia (cutest accent that ones a plus)....seriously sounds like a match made in hell right!?!? Wrong I have this crazy intense chemical reaction to him. I love the way he smells and smell is like huge for me. I don't even mind just sitting around with him, I am so comfortable with him that the second time we hung out I was able to practically fall asleep on his chest. The most impressive thing about him is I don't even think about Neo when I am with him. And when we kiss i feel that spark.

Now that I have told you about the wonderful amazing Mr.X...he dumped me yesterday. Okay so we weren't really "together" and honestly only had hung out a handful of times but I was pretty hopeful and excited. I went home sick from work yesterday (stomach bug) I fell asleep and slept until noon. I woke up to three text messages from him detailing how I am a really great, smart, funny girl and how he really does like me but he is dealing with some depression issues and he needs to deal with that and stay focused (i assume on school) basically he said I don't want to date you because I am depressed and I don't want to fuck you up too, but I really do like you...

ouch...me being sick and emotional because it's that time of the month decides to stay in bed crying and sleeping for a few more hours. Really crappy part is I figured if anything happens i.e. a breakup his last day at work is the 21st didn't think anything would happen that soon so I thought I was in the clear...well lucky me still has a whole week I have to work with him. I just want to hide under my covers. Most of me hopes that he is being honest and really does like care about me and maybe when I come home and he is less crazy we can date but most of me also knows even if that wasn't just a way out what are the chances of it working out all nice and story book perfect like I want...I am so fucking bummed out right now. it doesn't help that today is creeping along so its like every minute I have I think about the dread of working with him tonight, seeing him and trying not to be a pussy or a bitch. I'm not so good at either I am a total pussy and a huge bitch especially when I have been hurt.

Oh I left out the best part he likes cats...dudes don't like cats for real...for being so wrong he is at the same time so right. I need a man who likes cats that is super important.

exasustion

So two Sundays was my only day off until god only knows when. I am tired. It doesn't help that I have been going out a lot. I mean I wasn't going out much at all for awhile there but now that I am working practically every night, I get off and I want to go unwind with my friends. So, I have been going to grab a cocktail or two after work sometimes. It's having a pretty profound effect on me I am dosing off as I type. I feel my soft yet slightly sore eyelids drooping. I blink multiple times to fight it off. It's not working; I briefly close my eyes and my thoughts are riddled with "wake up this is a bad idea" and "who cares they are going to fire you anyway"...and then I desperately try to snap out of it before the next person walks by...I'm doing a little better Its almost noon I think I am finally waking up. I can't keep this up for too much longer...Cant wait till Japan I will finally be able to sleep.

Lonliness

(This is a Photo my sister took years ago)

I started this blog last week a post on love and loneliness. I was feeling unlucky and down in love when it seemed a lot of my friends were doing great getting married having kids falling in love and things being pretty much stellar for them. Well you know I guess as the saying goes the grass is always greener on the other side. I decided to re-write my partially written blog after I realized there is always always struggles especially when you think things are starting to finally go right.

I don't know what's going on and it is none of my business if she chooses not to inform me but, a close friend seems to be having some sort of marital or just personal problems, BFF dumped her BF turns out he is a man-child and needs to do some growing up before there will ever be a real relationship, you know the kind with give and take equally. Those are just the two main people that I am worried about right now. It makes me sad because I saw how happy BFF was and how even though she hides it well she is struggling. With my other close friend I don't see her much because we live kinda far and I work a ton but, I worry about her all the same and we went from crazy party animals to her being married with a baby in about a year. It was such an erratic change but, I think it's what she really wanted. Both of these important people in my life seemed to be getting just what would really make them happy just to have something happen and mess it up.

When I see the people I care about hurting because of love I start to dissect the theory of it. I love being in love. It's so much fun it makes me happy. I would at anytime risk the hurt if I can just feel intensity of it. However in times like these I wonder what does love really mean. I wonder if I totally throw around the notion of love. I seem to think I have been "in love" about four times...but that seems a little excessive to me. Can you really truly be in love more than once? I am not talking about in love like the platonic or love between a mother and child I mean pure, true, romantic, intense, unselfish love. I find myself wondering if it was just that I loved the person rather than really being in love with them. Maybe I cant tell the difference between certain emotions maybe, I just loved them and thought I was in love with them because I have yet to really feel true passion and love. I wonder if I took my loneliness and yearning for someone and transformed it into what I thought was love?

I remember falling in love with dead guy...I was young and he was so dangerous? I don't know if that is the right word but I was fascinated by him. things started out pretty well I wanted to spend all of my time with him he made me happy and it was more than happy it was impossible to describe. As time went on I was young and stupid and felt like I was too young at times to be tied down. Through the years after multiple break ups and troubles in our relationships I think I just fell out of love. I think you can love someone so much but that through you both being so destructive to the relationship and yourselves that you can destroy the love. I have never and will never stop loving him, but as for being in love with him I think that feeling is gone forever. It hurts to think of it still but I just remember waking up one day and it clicking that I needed to move on.

I'd like to think that I feel in love again somewhat soon but I think I just thought I was in love with him because he carried the same kind of appeal of my first love. he was talented and a bit crazy and I loved it and I thought I loved him. I don't really know though I suppose I never will.

Then came Neo. Talk about whirlwind. I met him because I was bummed about 2 dumping me for his ex and my best friends thought I should meet Neo. They said I might like him, and that he was super hott. It happened so fast I can't believe I still remember every moment. From the first time we met to the late nights in parking lots to Roo (a big dog) trying to share the bed with us to picking him up on one of I'm sure the most somber days of his life. It was fast only little more than a month but, it was warm and comfy, passionate and pleasant, it was the most complete I have ever felt. I think that if I have ever felt real true love that was it. I never told him while we were together. It took me years I think to finally express it to him. He sort of said it one night over doughnuts. Probably my favorite way I have ever been told someone loves me. ^_^ I miss him terribly, deep down I know if he doesn't miss me particularly he misses that brief time even if it's just a tiny bit.

I'm bummed, I have been seeing all these people being in love and getting screwed thing and I have been totally effed over. I want to think there is still love out there for me but I'm feeling broken. The last few people I have dated I dropped the L bomb and I don't think I loved them I think I thought I could pretend I loved them and someday really love them and be happy in that. I feel like Miss Cathrine in Wuthering Heights...being terribly in love with someone and forcing myself to love and become someone else because it's what is "best".

I think I am going to have to tell GB that I'd really like to be just friends. We have been going out on dates for a little more than a month now. I like him he is a cool person...I don't feel gooey and stuff about him though. I don't yearn to talk to him all the time. I don't count the minutes until I get to see him...Actually it feels really like formal? I don't see a future there like I don't see me waking up next to him all disheveled looking and then making us eggs and bacon and in my underwear. Might sound like a weird thing I want in my future but I want that. I want to wake up next to the man I love with my hair a wreck and have him look at me and tell me I am beautiful then I go into the kitchen make some awesome breakfast and lounge around the house in my underwear all day. That's love I tell you what...and I can't even imagine staying the night with him....Yeah it's over I just need to express that to him in a way that wont hurt...

I hate dumping people. Honestly we aren't like official but It's not like I have something like you slept with my best friend or you we have nothing in common..honestly I am glad thats not the case but it's better when it's something they can justify by going oh wow shes right (like I am a hunter he is a vegan) but no, all I have is sorry I don't love you and I don't think I am going to. I would rather not get in this deeper so to avoid it being more painful for both parties later on. But I think you are pretty rad so lets be friends!...that never goes well...I am so sick of telling guys I don't love you that's why. They don't get it they think they can change it or they think that I am just being scared of commitment. I am scared of commitment but I don't think I would be if I fell in love and you can't make me love you if I don't, I don't.

Well anyway I went out with this guy from work the other night. I like him, I wasn't sure I would because we seem very different but I think we actually have a lot in common and he smells good...lol. I think we will probably go out again soon but I am so busy. (honestly I am scared it is going to turn out just like things have with GB and I am going back and forth with the OMG I am going to Japan in 79 days! is dating really a good idea?) Oh snap I forgot I am supposed to go out with this other guy and I keep blowing him off . =/ oops

Day 17

I wish I had a sheep to scream into

Boy, the last week has been intense...I am really really going to need my trip to Japan by the time it arrives. So little update before I get into handling my rejection. I have only seen two more roaches and I killed the one in the house with a phone book...sigh the bugs are the only thing I really hate about monsoon season. Almost home for the month, might be getting fired, paid off my truck, working everyday all the time...still desperately need more money for Japan and to pay off debt before I go.



So now that you know whats going on time to delve into what this blog is really about....



Day 17 still a hopeless romantic. Well I talked to him once only because I was in a tight spot and I needed someone. Neo has always been there for me when I really need someone...weird huh after everything but, if I am in trouble or something he always picks up the phone or calls me right back. I needed someone and T3 wouldn't answer his phone, BFF didn't either, I didn't know what else to do so I called sister in Japan...lol yeah she didn't answer either. Last resort...Neo I knew he would answer or call back. Now I was being smart the other day and deleted his number all the old texts everything. However I have a stash of phone numbers in my planner. I know what you are saying right now "rip that page out" yeah yeah I have heard it from about everyone. I wont though. I have a good reason why too. Well other than I don't want to, like I said earlier he is always there if I need him. There are a million different scenarios I can think of where I could call him and say I need you and I am pretty sure he would be there. There's not a ton of people I can say that about.



So I called him and he talked to me for a few minutes until I calmed down. Then in the next hour everyone else I had called started calling back lol. Then I got chastised by everyone for calling him, =P...since then no contact. Sometimes I read the stuff he posts on myspace but most of the time I don't even want to. The second job thing is helping I am so effing busy all of the time I can barely breathe let alone think. So most of the time I am okay, it is a little hard at night when I am alone and it's quiet...lucky for me I am so damn tired I pass out really fast.

...still I hope someday things will be different...

ATTACK of the MUTANT COCKROACH

Last night I arrived at the house I am watching, tired after a long day. I put Jefe on the leash and take him for a brisk walk so he can do his business. Upon returning home I stumble for the kitchen thinking I want some of my ice cream and fresh raspberries before bed. I ready my ice cream, wash off my raspberries and grab a spoon to shovel my happiness with. Oh dang, almost for got to fill Jefe's bowl and get him some fresh water. So in my sleepy haze I dump the old water and OMFG!!!! there is some thing in the sink! EEEEK! it's a COCKROACH!!! EEEE!!! As I squeal uncontrollably and try to comprehend what to do reflexes kick in. I grab the sink sprayer thinger and turn it to hot and start spraying the crap outta him! He almost got away but after about ten minutes of vicious spraying he seems to be...not quite dead...but also not alive...all I can think about is how I was watching Alton brown the other night and he was comparing the creatures to lobster **shudder** I'd much prefer lobster be loose in the house. So paralyzed...or so he seems I run in the other room grab my phone and call T3 he is utterly no assistance...so I call BFF she might be close by I think to myself...she also offers no help...so I call GB I knew he would be no help as he lives hella far from where I was at but he did give me some moral support and didn't laugh too much every time I screeched. Eventually I managed to get it in the side of the sink with the disposal and it was good-bye nasty roach...well until I was asleep...lol nah I just had really stupid nightmares about cockroaches all night.

Day 3- It will get easier

It still hurts. Yesterday was bad, my interview got cancelled (the only thing I have been looking forward to) and I didn't make any money at work. It was overall just hard, trying to clear my head isn't easy. I know this is completely unhealthy but I really want to pick up more shifts at my second job not for the money though that will be a nice benefit. I want to work as much as possible because being a waitress I will be busy thinking about my tables and I won't think about Neo, at least not much. That's what I need, I need to be so consumed with something else that I have no room for him. That's what I did last time, for awhile it was good. Except that everyone could see the change in my attitude. I went from happy perky me to always being too busy, too tired, and mostly emotionless. It's easier to be emotionless If I let my self feel anything I have to let my self feel everything I can't only allow and embrace the things that make me happy. If I do that I open myself up to feel the bad, the pain, the loneliness, the heartbreak. That is the worst the heartbreak. It's really more physical than you would think, it causes severe anxiety where I just can't breathe my chest starts to hurt...that only happens sometimes though, when it's really bad. All the time it feels like I just can't breathe enough like I'm not filling my lungs all the way up and I feel rather hollow like that beneath my skin it's just empty space no bones or gooey life stuff just space not even filled with air.

You would think I would be used to it by now I have been battling it for a few years. I guess I had got to the point where I was dealing with it pretty good. I didn't think about him all the time, I was dating. I had accepted that I was never going to be with him, I still wanted to be with him but I was sure it would never happen. Then all of the sudden he became a part of my life again. I had hope. I think whats so hard right now is I have been here before. December of 2006...wow it's been so long...I had to face it then and it took a very long time to finally get to the point where I was dealing with it like an adult and not letting it affect and take over the rest of my life. Now I am desperately trying to find a way to go back to that adult behavior. I really don't wanna have a melt down. I'm getting too old for that crap. I also don't wanna be a crotchety old woman because my hearts been busted. I wanna still be that little girl who believes in love and happy endings. I'm trying so hard to be strong and not let it break me down. I think the only thing that has always kept my head just above the water is my parents. They have been married FOREVER lol...really its been like 30 years or something crazy like that. These days that's sort of uncommon and whats even more uncommon is how happy and in love they still are. I want that and if they can have it maybe someday I will find someone that I can have it with too.

As you wish

Well I did it I told him. I cried. I feel lame. I feel defeated. I just want to sleep for days and not face the world. I asked him what he thought it would be best for me to do and he said to stop trying. So here I go giving up. ouch I think the world stopped turning. I would post a nice picture to go with this but the only thing that I can think of is a black hole filled with my dreams and all the hope I once bottled deep inside. God I just wish I could go to Japan already of all the times for sister to be so far away and BFF to not have a phone. I feel my heart crumbling inside my chest. I have a big day tomorrow...goodnight.

Time to give up?

So I keep thinking to myself...what am I getting out of this...nothing I am just causing myself more heartache in the end. So I keep thinking I am going to tell him I am going back to pretending I don't "love" him. That I feel like a nuisance. That it was easier then, easier to stuff it all inside and try to forget about it and I know I can't make him love me so I am going to step off.

Will he care? Will it matter?


I want to do that I really do but hell, I wish I didn't have to even tell him and be fine with that. I don't know if I can. Will it be like every time before when I try to move on and don't and It just plagues my mind? What does it say about my character if when things are hopeless I give up?

....that's when my sanity chimes in and goes ANDREA!!! wake up effing call!!! maybe if you were actually together giving up would be bad, maybe if he actually felt the same way giving up would be bad but HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! wake up and stop pretending that one day he is going to realize it. He wont because he doesn't....

meh...sometimes I ask myself do you really truly still love him? "yes" really? "yes" are you sure?? "pretty sure" well crap. Maybe I don't maybe I just haven't met the real right person? Problem is, is for me he is just what I want. I always wanted a guy who was versatile...that I could take out in any situation and not have him feel totally out of place(dancing @ a nice club, a show, a nice dinner, camping), Someone who I could joke with and do silly things with, a guy that was attractive and at least a little taller than me ( i know I am shallow but it's human nature, if I am not attracted to you it wont work), somewhat similar taste in music, someone I could argue with without it being a fight. I think he fits those things pretty well and there is more like the stuff that is just there like how he makes me so nervous I wanna barf (which is good sign in my book lol) how the way he smells just makes my mind numb, the way he says my name and I feel like my hearts going to explode and when he hugs me and I just want to stay in his arms forever (god I am sooooo LAME)

...of course there is the stuff that doesn't work with him too, like oh yeah I want him to feel all gooey and stupid about me too...yeah that might help, and I am not going to lie I wish he had a better career (he hates what he is doing) and he is soooo unbelievably negative sometimes he spends a lot of time thinking about how bad things are instead of looking at the positive stuff. What is worse is this makes me ache even more I hate that he is always unhappy and I just wish I could find some way to make him happy. (regardless if I am involved or not)

Honestly I think the fact that I have been giving in and expressing the way I feel has really not been good for me. With my luck somehow he will find my little secret blog and flip and even if he doesn't I think it allows me to dwell on it more than I should I sit here and write it all down everything instead of telling myself not to think about it. I need to let go I just can't. Oh and of course still seeing GB really really like him can't say if it's ever gonna be anything crazy serious at this point but like I seriously doubt he is going to understand that I am stupid hung up on some guy from my past but I am trying to move past it. =P ughh I have a girls night tonight and I am really glad I need it really bad.

Cupcakes!!!

So me and mom spent the whole night making cupcakes last week!We made two different kinds, Strawberry and S'mores, and it was kinda cheater style we used box mix for them but to the one recipe we added lots of good stuff and we made the frosting for both of them.

It was really fun though and seriously such good cupcakes!

GRRR

I am really irritated. Granted I know my computer is probably not my fathers first priority but it has been three weeks! I want my computer back. I want access to all my drives. I want to sit at my desk and type my blogs and upload my pictures for them but I can't. Instead I am doing my blogging at work with no access to my photos in a hostile cold uncomfortable atmosphere. It doesn't help that I am really sleepy.



I started my second job last week (waitress) and last night was my last training shift....I'm beat right now not to mention I have been house sitting for the past few weeks so it's get up and go to work by 7:30am then get off at 4:30pm then go check on the dog get changed and go to work by 5:30 6ish and then get home about 10pm try to wind down and go to sleep. The crappy thing is I keep forgetting to eat dinner. It's too early to eat before my second shift and after I just want to crawl into bed =/ *sigh* so anyways good story from my training. It was my third night training and things were going really well, I used to waitress for this company years ago so it has really all just been a review, I was training with this really awesome dude he was super nice and made me more comfortable than anyone else had. So, I get this table that's GF (gluten free) and you know I am trying to accommodate her but we don't have a GF menu so she ends up ordering just a grilled chicken breast. First the salad I brought her I forgot no croutons (mental head slap) then I am at another table when I see them bringing out her food....S O B! they put fries on her plate and its all over her chicken!!! Normally this wouldn't be an issue however our fries are fried in the same oil as other wheat things...so I'm like crap!!! I swoop in and grab her plate and tell her I'll have it fixed right away. I'm feeling pretty heated as I march into the kitchen with my trainer right behind me and put the plate in the window kinda in a "strong voice" say, "guys! gluten free means no french fries!" I told them to fix it and stomped off to check on my table. As I go back into the kitchen to check on my order I hear creepy cook telling Manager 2 and I quote "If that little bitch ever talks to me like that again I'm gonna..." that's apparently when he noticed me. Oh and my trainer started flipping out because he was pissed CC called me a bitch. Anyway I was like oopps....I really didn't mean to piss anyone off or to have it directed at anyone in specific I just wanted it fixed. here I go on a little rant...I dated a guy for several years that I am still friends with who was highly allergic to chicken and a few other things so I know how serious food allergies really are. So that should have been something they took totally seriously and the ticket didn't even say fries any where on it?! well we had just been over not yelling at the cooking in the shift meeting so I'm thinking crap...I'm gonna get reamed M2 got M1 and they took CC in the office to talk to him and then they took my trainer in the office and then it was my turn =( pfft...well they just wanted me to recount the incident, I told them how I remembered it and went on with my night I guess I wasn't in trouble he was for calling me names. Still it was crazy I was like damn wow it's only my third night! but I mean so far everything is cool he apologized to me and I was like whatever dude. I don't really like him not at all. Here is the thing I sat down with M1 last night and we talked about shit we talked about what it was like when I worked at the other location and the things that I see that need improvement at this store and honestly I am hoping that I can make a difference for the better at this store and teach everyone to work as a team.



Back to the rest of my blog...So I think I am going to let that doctor do my tattoo removal. I am terrified but I am ready to do something with my wrists. She seems pretty reputable and like I said I am ready. I will probably start off with one or two treatments before I head off to Japan but we will have to see!





In other news had a 4th of July party (didn't get pictures of my treats **mental head slap**) but it was pretty fun swimming, food, and friends =) GB came and T3, BFF, BFF bf, and some other people I know were there. It was good. Later we went to crash this other party that was LAME!! then I went home hung out with Neo and went to bed. Seriously though I made some awesome treats. There was a triple layer pie, raspberry cupcakes, dirt dessert and I made BLT pasta salad. Other than that hot dogs and hamburgers. Oh!! and BFF's famous apricot brandy slush!



All in all things have been alright lately I just need to get more sleep.

Boys! ugh!

So mad at Neo!!!

....humpf...

I have been seeing Geology Boy and I really like him! He is nice and smart..a little too shy sometimes but It's manageable. So we had this *should have been the best date ever* date the other night and everything was going well. Until *da da dunnnn* every time he kissed me stupid Neo had to float into my head and ruin my good time. I really thought I was okay and then I got out to my car when I was leaving and burst into tears. I am so mad at him and mad at myself that I can't have a real and good and wonderful relationship because I still want him. I pisses me off soooo much I just want to scream!!!!
*ugh*
So I went over to BFF's house and she got me kinda tipsy. Even before I started drinking I decided I need to tell Neo exactly how he makes me feel (i figured really...he can't ignore me or think I am anymore crazy then he probably already does so eff it). So I did; I am pretty sure he thinks I am nuts lol but I don't even care anymore. I can't help the way my stupid heart feels. Also I refuse to give up on GB just because I had some issues with Neo being in my head it didn't make me like or feel any less for GB it just pissed me off. lol meh whatever I am proud of myself for spilling my guts to Neo and I am proud of myself for still trying with GB. I just hope that one of these days my heart can either move on or Neo comes to his senses ( because really I am pretty much amazing) What? Okay, but being cocky makes me feel better about the whole thing.

Well in other Dre news I have an appt to talk to a doctor about laser removal for my tattoos, long story but I have a effed up tattoo I need partially removed to be fixed, today I am nervous but really excited and I hope she rocks because I am so ready to fix my tattoos. Oh oh oh other good news I got a second job!!!! How badass is that! Seriously stoked! I guess that is about it. I hung out with Hurricane and her son this weekend it was good times I love her and him to death. Random note to BFF sorry for peeing in that cup...It seemed like a good idea at the time. Well time to return to work! Can't wait to go home making rosemary chicken and lots of cupcakes tonight!!! =)

I'll try to add some fun photos later but my computer at home is broken =/

Politics

I feel as though I have very little authority to even express my feelings right now because I know I am not so well educated on the events and the history of the things I am going to briefly discuss however these things have been effecting my train of thought deeply.

See when I am at work and it is a relatively slow day I spend a good majority of my time reading articles (news or other mindless non-sense) recently I became obsessed, more than obsessed consumed, with the Air France crash in the Atlantic. I was reading every bit of news that surfaced and felt an overwhelming relief when they finally stated discovering bodies. I don't really know why I have never had such strong emotions about a plane crash before. Maybe it's because I am going to be flying to Japan this fall or maybe it's because I am getting older and realizing the true mortality of the fragile human race. I don't know but things like this in the media have started to consume me. I looked up as many facts about the general area where the plane crashed and searched to see if there were any islands in the area.


Shortly after my infatuation with airfrance it was the 20th anniversary for the Tinanmen Square Massacre. I had never even heard of this before!!!! I mean aren't we supposed to learn about this stuff in school? Anyhow I quickly became intrigued and decided to read up and learn as much as I could. Which I still think could have been a better learning experience for me if it wasn't for the fact that China acts as if it never happened. It's crazy the things in recent history that I never knew about I mean I just read all about the SLA that was active in the mid-seventies probably two or three months ago for the first time.


I read the story and watched the horrible video of the death of Neda Soltani and it really disturbed me. The fact that no one news station seemed to be reporting the exact same thing about her, the fact that the Iranian government had banned memorial services for her, my lack of the true understanding of whats going on in the rest of the world, and last of all I kinda of expected more of a response from myself to the video. It's pretty effed up the way that society has desensitized us to death. I mean you see her die in that video and there is blood and everything. I should have been crying but I just watched it and felt remorse for her and her family. I wish I would have felt more.

Right now I am trying to figure out who I am and what I stand for. I am trying to take in all these political things that have and are happening around the world and see how I feel. Humans.... so complex.

Bees

Did you know that if all the bees in the world disappeared we would all die?!



Okay fine, I am a tad dramatic...however it is a fact that bees are declining due to ccd. without the bees to pollinate our food we would face a serious crisis. It wouldn't be and instant extinction for us but bees pollinate approx 15-30% of our food and about 15% of our foods food (I'm talking about livestock). This would significantly impact our food supplies. See now I know how I get when I am hungry....and then I think about when I used to waitress and when people get hungry people get mad. People get vicious and rude. Imagine that on a wide scale; there's not enough food to go around....There would be massive civil warring. Things would go downhill fast for the human race.


This is when I got this crazy idea to get some bees and be a beekeeper...in my backyard...(this was only about three short weeks after the babydoll lamb incident). Pfft I'll admit I get a lot of crazy ideas but, some of them are good! So I spend the whole day researching bees and the ccd problem and I decided I want bees. I have always really like them and maybe it would help their population. Well after I get my heart set on bees I go home and tell my parents about the idea. That's when things went south. My dad almost had a effing heart attack. we got into a pretty good screaming match about the damn bees. Sometimes I think I just get him all riled up because it makes my life more interesting.

Well, needless to say I have to put my dreams of bees on the back burner for now. I hope someday to be able to have bees though. Maybe even my own honey =) that would make me happy.


all photo's courtesy of Sylvan

Dating...again

Well I won't say I have given up on Neo but I have decided that I want to date again mostly because I met this really cool guy.


It's kind of complicated and I am not sure how I feel about everything. I mean on this one side I am like smitten for this guy who doesn't and probably never will love me, on the other side I just met this really awesome, smart, attractive, successful guy who I am very into. Then you slice me in half and see the inside of me and I am scared and reluctant to get in a relationship knowing that I will soon be jetting off to Japan for sometime and then upon my arrival home my life will most definitely be flipped upside down radically when I start school again and run off to Europe for part of my summer. I am terrified knowing that the next year of my life is going to be me growing exponentially doing things I never thought I would or could and if I do decided to seriously date can a relationship survive all of the changes and challenges that are going to commence?

Also I am terrified (irrationally) that when I least expect it Neo will by some twist of fate change his mind and decided he is hopelessly in love with me and then I face the ultimate horror of deciding who I would pick. Honestly if this scenario were to ever play out I would hope with all of my heart that I would pick the other man not Neo. I want someone to make me forget all about him. I want to meet someone and love them so much that I don't lose my breath when I hear his name, that I don't feel that pang in my stomach. Seriously, I would love to find someone that I love that much and loves me back =)


Back to the importance of now though I dont know if dating is honestly the best idea. So much is going to happen in my life in the next year I just dont know =/

It's been too long

So sorry for the lack of updates recently life has been a little busy and crazy.

I have been doing a massive amount of house sitting which is nice I like the money and it can be nice to sort of have my own place (lol) but, I really miss my babies when I am gone. Oh speaking of babies seriously freaky I keep having dreams about them...dreams where I have a baby and it is freaking me out. First one I was cuddling with a little boy (my little boy apparently) he was adorable but, i woke up and was all WTF I don't have any kids **breathe deeply**. Then I had a dream where I actually gave birth to a little girl. When they handed her to me I was admiring her and the strange thing was she was black, I mean obviously she didn't have the pigment yet but I seemed fully aware she would develop the pigmentation of an African American. Strange dreams.

Other than that just working and looking desperately for a second job. Totally broke right now, it's bumming me out. Oh! and I think I am finally falling back into dating which is probably a very healthy turn for me =) (maybe after Wednesday I'll give some details). Oh, and about people dating BFF recently got a BF which is cool but I wont lie I am scared I am gonna lose her to a boy. She doesn't seem worried by this which eases my fear. I am pretty excited about her BF he is nice and he is like me CRAZY lol. So I think we are going to get along okay.

Almost forgot I quit drinking like for real. I has been three weeks tomorrow! I am so proud of myself. I have had a few times where I am like man I would really like a glass of wine but for the most part it is really effing easy and I don't even mind being the sober one when I go out with my friends. Not drinking is surprisingly cool. It makes me happy to wake up and know every little thing I did the night before and not have to call anyone to apologize for anything. I do plan on drinking again at some point but when I do I am going to try very hard to have learned my limits and remember that I can have more fun sober than trashed.

I need to get back to work so check out this song it's AMAZING!! <3



Headlights-Put us back together right

Love is my Religion

Today I am feeling especially sappy and romantic. So, I would like to share a letter with you. It's a letter from a man by the name of John Keats and it is to Fanny (his girlfriend) It's a little weird I think Keats may have been just a tiny bit insane but I am pretty crazy myself so whatever. It's towards the middle when he starts talking about being a martyr that I just get lost in the romance of what he is saying.

My dearest Girl,

This moment I have set myself to copy some verses out fair. I cannot proceed with any degree of content. I must write you a line or two and see if that will assist in dismissing you from my Mind for ever so short a time. Upon my Soul I can think of nothing else - The time is passed when I had power to advise and warn you again[s]t the unpromising morning of my Life - My love has made me selfish. I cannot exist without you - I am forgetful of every thing but seeing you again - my Life seems to stop there - I see no further. You have absorb'd me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I was dissolving - I should be exquisitely miserable without the hope of soon seeing you. I should be afraid to separate myself far from you. My sweet Fanny, will your heart never change? My love, will it? I have no limit now to my love - You note came in just here - I cannot be happier away from you - 'T is richer than an Argosy of Pearles. Do not threat me even in jest. I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion - I have shudder'd at it - I shudder no more - I could be martyr'd for my Religion - Love is my religion - I could die for that - I could die for you. My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet - You have ravish'd me away by a Power I cannot resist: and yet I could resist till I saw you; and even since I have seen you I have endeavoured often "to reason against the reasons of my Love." I can do that no more - the pain would be too great - My Love is selfish - I cannot breathe without you.
Yours for ever

John Keats

**amazing huh**

Chocolate Tiramisu

So I told my Mom I would make dessert for Easter....I got some wild hair up my ass to do tiramisu (even though I had never even had it). So I go to work researching it and all the different ways to make it and it's origin. Well from what I understand it originated in Italy in the sixties at a cafe. So I was going through all these different recipes and I finally decided on Giada De Laurentiis Chocolate Tiramisu recipe(not the most authentic but my family loves chocolate). It turned out quite well, everyone seemed to like it even my grandma! I recommend getting some whip cream to serve with. Don't let any left overs sit for too many days in the fridge the espresso works its way down to the bottom of the pan. Also note that it gives you one hell of an caffeine rush so don't plan on sleeping right afterward. Here is my slightly modified version of her Recipe and I will include a link to hers at the bottom of the page.


Chocolate Tiramisu

You will need:

• 6 ounces container mascarpone cheese
• 2/3 cup whipping cream
• 1/2 cup sugar
• Chocolate Zabaglione, recipe follows
• 2 cup warmed espresso or espresso coffee (I went to Starbucks and they hooked me up with about two cups for like $7 I think?
• Approx 32 crisp ladyfinger cookies (they were a bitch to find)
• Unsweetened cocoa powder, for garnish
• Dark chocolate shavings, for garnish

Chocolate Zabaglione:

**make first it needs to chill**

2 tablespoons whipping cream, or heavy cream
1/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips
4 large egg yolks
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup dry Marsala
Pinch salt

Add cream and chocolate to a heavy small saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring often, until the chocolate chips are melted and smooth. Set aside and keep warm.
Whisk the egg yolks, sugar, Marsala, and salt in a large glass bowl until blended. Set the bowl over a saucepan of simmering water, but do not allow the bottom of the bowl to touch the water. Whisk the egg mixture over the simmering water until it is thick and creamy, it could take up to 15 minutes use your cooking intuition you want it to be like a custard/pudding consistency. Remove from the heat.

Using a large rubber spatula, fold the melted chocolate mixture into the egg mixture. Be careful the chocolate mixture isn’t too hot. Cover and refrigerate to chill completely.
After the Zabaglione is chilled:

Place the mascarpone cheese in a large bowl and set aside. With an electric mixer, beat the cream and 1/4 cup of the sugar in a medium bowl until soft peaks form. Fold the whipped cream into the mascarpone. Then fold in the chilled Chocolate Zabaglione. Cover and refrigerate.

Whisk the warmed espresso and the remaining 1/4 cup of sugar in another medium bowl until blended. Line a 9 1/4 by 5 by 2 3/4-inch metal loaf pan with plastic wrap, allowing the plastic to extend over the sides. Working with 1 cookie at a time, quickly dip cookies into the espresso, and arrange in a single layer side by side over the bottom of the prepared pan.

Spoon 1/3 of the mascarpone mixture over the cookies to cover. Repeat dipping the cookies in the espresso and layering the cookies and remaining mascarpone mixture 2 more times. Dip the last row of cookies in the espresso and arrange side by side atop the tiramisu. Press lightly to compact slightly (the last layer will extend above the pan sides). Cover the tiramisu with plastic and refrigerate at least 6 hours.

Un-wrap the plastic from atop the tiramisu. Invert the tiramisu onto a platter. Remove the plastic. Sift the cocoa over the tiramisu (not too thick or it can be to strong) and with a vegetable peeler or sharp knife, make dark chocolate shavings and sprinkle over top.

Here's Giada De Laurentiis recipe:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/giada-de-laurentiis/chocolate-tiramisu-recipe/reviews/index.html

Baby Doll Lambs!

I want one

How could you look at this face and not just love it to pieces!!!


but dad said no, I asked a few months ago, I think he would like it. I also think dee (dedra, mom and dads dog) would like one.

Self destructive (Drama Dre)

I need to look at myself and change a few things but, what exactly do I need to change and how to go about it? I seem to piss off my friends a lot. I think mostly it happens when I have been drinking. I don't consider other peoples feelings as much as I should and I tend to fly off the handle. Okay I fly off the handle all the time even when I'm not drunk (just ask my dad). Anyway it's gotten to the point for me that I don't understand why they put up with me sometimes? I really pissed off T3 last night because I thought my phone had dropped the call when it didn't and I don't know exactly what I said(I wasn't talking shit but it was explicit) but he heard and it understandably pissed him off. Next according to BFF I was flipping out all night (which I also don't clearly remember but I don't doubt it) and I really don't know what to say about it I didn't intentionally upset either of these people but it seems that a lot of times when I go out I end up having to say sorry for something in the morning.
I earned the new nickname Drama Dre. =/**(slight correction to post drama dre was coined as my new nickname the night before when I was bored and went in search of drama on 4th)***



I don't think I drink an excessive amount and I don't think I have a problem with drinking. What I have a problem with is my behavior. I do this stuff sometimes when I am not drinking. I don't really evaluate how what I say or do will affect others. T3 told me today that I'm a good person with a good heart but there's things I need to work on before I end up alienating all of the people who love me. I hate this I don't know WTF that means?!?! I flip out a lot I know and I'm sorry but I don't know how to control it. there's another thing in this all that really bothers me. A lot of the time when I flip out it's because I'm being teased. I know it's not totally malicious and I make fun of myself all the time it makes it easier for me to deal with my imperfections. You get to a breaking point though and I have been really teetering on this breaking point for quite sometime which I feel eludes to the recent eruptions when I am drinking. I get really sick of people insulting my intelligence, granted I am not a college graduate that is super smart but I am also not an idiot and I get really pissed off when people tease me about that stuff. Another thing when people paint me as being super dramatic and it bothers me because I don't try to be super dramatic. I know I tend to have boy drama but I don't try to have that either. Really my friends and my family tease me a lot about various things and sometimes I can take it and other times I just can't.

All this junk makes me wonder why I still have friends and why my family puts up with it. I know the obvious answer is because they love me but I don't know I don't even know what to say. I'm all stressing out that I'm really gonna mess up one of these days when I flip out or I say things without thinking and I don't really know where to begin on improving myself or even if I have the willpower and determination to pull that off. I can't keep saying sorry it loses it's effect if things never change.

Well anyways I really hope Steph had a good birthday last night I had fun and the limo was gangster. lol.

bah =P

Yesterday was awesome. School was great I still have my super high grade and I don't need to take the final.(Neo stopped being mad)Hung out with Jedi, BFF and T3 last night to celebrate me being smart. We played some pool and BFF and I kicked Jedi and T3's butts! Then we went by Congress to see JB for her birthday day and finally made it home and I couldn't sleep =( so I ate a bunch. Anyway yesterday was so great I was in this perpetually amazing mood. Then I got pulled over for speeding on my way to work and got a ticket.

Randomness

So just going to blab about some random and this is my life stuff today.

I am pretty excited about school tonight I finished all my homework and It's the last class before finals so we will just be doing review today. I have been trying to help this girl Dominique in my class. She is really nice. I offered my help to a bunch of other students too. She called me Monday honestly, a little late in the game but at least she came to me for help....Okay I wish I could play it off like I'm not bragging but I want to brag so bad. I have the highest grade in my class it's over 100%. I don't think I ever got an A in any of my real classes in high school and the fact that I have one now in my worst subject....it feels awesome!!! The really cool part is I don't even have to take the final since I have an A! I kind of want to anyway but I'm scared I'll bomb lol.

Alright now is were I fess up and tell you that my Math class is Math082 (basic college mathematics) So essentially it's really easy. I however, have always been terrible at math and never understood it. I think it's because I told myself I can't. I always thought I was stupid. My goal when I was in middle school was to just get by, I wanted to grow up and be a Receptionist just like my mom. Boy I was stupid. To think that being a Receptionist would be my ideal job please! Now it works for my mom but...I did end up being a receptionist and I hate it...passionately. Talk about boring. So I decided I want to be a teacher. I love kids, I think teaching would be so rewarding and I'd get recess? LOL. Well that's why I am now in school and I am off to a slow start but I think since I have aced this math class I can skip the next one and go straight to Math092 (algebra). I can't wait to go back to school full-time. Learning is my favorite thing to do! (never thought I would say that) I have realized I am smart and I want to embrace it and fill myself with knowledge ^_^

I really want an oreo blizzard =/...

Stupid Donuts

I have recently somewhat reverted to my former self. I had done a lot of growing up in the past year, I got a full time job, started working hard, going out less, settled down quit coffee, severely reduced smoking to only a social thing, and most impressive of all I started school. In the past month or so it’s gone completely awry. I go somewhere almost every night, I’ve been a coffee fiend (which if you don’t know coffee is like meth for me or so I have been told I get insane), I can’t call it social smoking if I go out every night so I can have one, I have one week left in school and I am being a slacker. =/

I blame it on myself. I blame it on getting older and feeling lost. I blame it on feeling like I am behind in the game. I blame it on wanting what I can never have.

I feel so lost right now. I have plans but I feel as if they are shrouded in a sea of fog. It’s not a matter of what anymore (I finally figured that out) it’s more a matter of when and how. I will continue school and become a Teacher or Librarian. I will travel to the places I desire to see. I will control as much of my future that is in my hands. I am just trying to find the means to accomplish all of this. It is somewhat daunting.

It’s the things that I can’t control that make me feel the most lost and incomplete. I am of course talking about love which leads to the rest of my dreams love, happy marriage, and children. Don’t get me wrong I am in no hurry to get married and have kids (even though my grandmother so pleasantly asked me when I am getting married the other day and then pointed out the fact that I am 23 and did the disappointed shrug thing). I want have a lot of adventures before kids but, love would be nice right now.

I am not complete without love and there are many people who will bash me for this and say I need to learn to be alone. That it’s unhealthy that I need someone else to make me happy. To that I say “it’s unhealthy to be alone”. It is human nature to seek out others, to be with others, to love others. Love to me is life it’s the most wonderful, terrible, confusing feeling to be in love.

Love is beautiful and brings new meaning to everything you do right? Yes. It does but what do you do when it’s unrequited? What do you do when no matter what you try you can’t move on from that one person no matter how bad you wish you could? Well I guess you do what I did…You bug the hell out of them and hope it works…It doesn’t work btw. It’s not his fault I mean you don’t pick who you love or who loves you. I have taken up the task of being quite a pain in the ass lately though and last night I think I actually pissed him off which sucks for me, totally the last goal I ever had.

Here is a brief glimpse in to my history:

I met him (lets just refer to him as Neo) about three years ago and I didn’t fall immediately. I honestly was just having fun and had absolutely no intentions of love none what so ever. Next thing I know **BAM** Neo does a few romantic things and I’m smitten. **sigh** I’m so lame…anyways it’s going great…then some really stupid and complicated stuff happens and we stop dating. **poof** I was heartbroken.

After a year of just pointlessly ripping guys’ hearts out, I finally got serious…hahah wait did I just call that relationship serious?!?!? (Lets refer to this male as Wormtail) I guess I thought it was and I honestly put effort in to it. Come to find out (last night) Wormtail had been cheating on me. Whatever it was a joke anyway, we were the most mismatched couple ever but, I really wanted to move on and I tried my damnedest to do so. Wormtail was the bring home to mom type, the type that you marry then he leaves you for a 25 year old blonde on your 40^th birthday.

After the Wormtail fiasco I almost immediately started dating someone new (we shall dub him Boston) and this time I was faking it and wasn’t fooling anyone but him and myself. I was planning on moving across the country to be with Boston and it was all secretly to try to be as far away from Neo as possible. I had it all planned out I was spilling the false I love yous and making plans for the future. Boston just ate it all up. I feel bad he really was a nice guy and I wanted to really love him but I didn’t. One day I just stopped I couldn’t keep faking it, it hurt. He was bound to find out I was bound to find out I wasn’t real. I had made a new me that wasn’t real. That was when I realized “resistance is futile” what a bummer.

So I went back to being alone but real…that was important to me I needed to be real. Neo and I had some run-ins the past three years some good some bad but we never got to the point where we decided to try again…correction he never decided he wanted to try again I have always wanted to give it another shot.

Well now that we’re all up to speed on the past three years lets get in to right now. Since Neo was speaking to me again and even wanted to hang out I decided to have fun with it. I was pretty cocky and a smart ass the first time we hung out again (probably a mistake). We didn’t hang out again for four more months (partially due to a falling out with a mutual friend). When we started talking again it was slow mostly sexual (I’m deprived). Anyhow I decided I wasn’t giving up this time I couldn’t…I really never had. I know a few things as fact. First he doesn’t love me. Second….wait second slipped my mind the first one is pretty powerful it’s hard to see it wrote down. When I think about how I pretty much know he probably won’t ever love me I get this hurt right where my heart should be. I feel like there is little wicked clawed hands inside of me flattening my heart and proceeding to pull from each side until it splinters apart in the middle and just crushing the pieces and where it used to be, then I get the lump in my throat my mouth gets dry and it’s similar to when you get butterflies in your stomach except they are covered in shards of glass that stick in and burry themselves causing a sharp pain that just continues to ache and tear.

Oh now I remember second yes it is hopeless. I know better than to hope for this but my inner dialogue wishes for it. I always try to pad it with words like probably and maybe (as in probably he wont ever love me) to leave just a hint of doubt even though deep down I know it’s hopeless. I just don’t want to know; I want to lie to myself. I guess that’s what makes me a hopeless romantic ha-ha.

Back to me not giving up…I am not, not giving up because I think there is a chance. I am trying because there is no other option at this point. I can’t experience a normal relationship because it becomes a total lie and I don’t want to be alone forever so at least I can say I am trying right?

Up to this point I was still annoying Neo trying to get him to hang out with me and apparently I am persuasive. We recently had a discussion where I was informed that he isn’t in a good place for a relationship right now but he cares about me. Basically sounds good right? He cares…that’s nice I mean it’s really great…I’d just really like it to be deeper than that. Anyhow I tell him I want him. Always have pretty sure (another example of my padding what I say because I don’t want to admit how real this feels to me)always will and I haven’t been able to escape it no matter how I try. Then I explain to Neo that I’m not giving up. Well that worked! We hung out that night….that was like a week ago…I am still being annoying, we haven’t hung out again and it’s looking bleak. Especially since I have been doing my insane go out every night get wrecked on coffee and get buzzed thing. My late night antics are probably getting more than annoying by now. I think he is mad at me for calling him twice while he was sleeping last night…**sigh**

Oh okay so I have left out the worst part of the equation I am 99.9 percent positive Neo is in love with someone else. Strangely enough it’s not because he is in love with someone else that it’s the worst part. It’s that it doesn’t look like there will be a happy ending. I want him to be happy weather or not it’s with me. Yes, I read blogs and bulletins when I see Neo posts them. It’s really none of my business but, he recently posted one about someone and it seems to me he must be just as hopelessly and unattainably in love with her as I am with him.

And there it leaves me broken. But not ready to give up I suppose. Neo may never want me but, that doesn’t change the way I feel about him. Sometimes I wish that I could just forget and that I never met him. I mean how did it even happen? I can’t explain it; it makes no sense to me. But I don’t want to forget. My favorite thing is the way he says my name in a whispered hush. I never want to forget how that sounds.

The story of my maker, What I have and what I ache for-Royksopp

Introduction

So, this is the start of something sort of new for me. I have decided to start keeping a blog/journal thingy. I plan to write about music, books, food, oh and the tales of my hopeless romantic life. Probably many other things as well. So tune in for the fun. Oh and please be curtious with any remarks/comments. Thanks ^_^