I have recently somewhat reverted to my former self. I had done a lot of growing up in the past year, I got a full time job, started working hard, going out less, settled down quit coffee, severely reduced smoking to only a social thing, and most impressive of all I started school. In the past month or so it’s gone completely awry. I go somewhere almost every night, I’ve been a coffee fiend (which if you don’t know coffee is like meth for me or so I have been told I get insane), I can’t call it social smoking if I go out every night so I can have one, I have one week left in school and I am being a slacker. =/
I blame it on myself. I blame it on getting older and feeling lost. I blame it on feeling like I am behind in the game. I blame it on wanting what I can never have.
I feel so lost right now. I have plans but I feel as if they are shrouded in a sea of fog. It’s not a matter of what anymore (I finally figured that out) it’s more a matter of when and how. I will continue school and become a Teacher or Librarian. I will travel to the places I desire to see. I will control as much of my future that is in my hands. I am just trying to find the means to accomplish all of this. It is somewhat daunting.
It’s the things that I can’t control that make me feel the most lost and incomplete. I am of course talking about love which leads to the rest of my dreams love, happy marriage, and children. Don’t get me wrong I am in no hurry to get married and have kids (even though my grandmother so pleasantly asked me when I am getting married the other day and then pointed out the fact that I am 23 and did the disappointed shrug thing). I want have a lot of adventures before kids but, love would be nice right now.
I am not complete without love and there are many people who will bash me for this and say I need to learn to be alone. That it’s unhealthy that I need someone else to make me happy. To that I say “it’s unhealthy to be alone”. It is human nature to seek out others, to be with others, to love others. Love to me is life it’s the most wonderful, terrible, confusing feeling to be in love.
Love is beautiful and brings new meaning to everything you do right? Yes. It does but what do you do when it’s unrequited? What do you do when no matter what you try you can’t move on from that one person no matter how bad you wish you could? Well I guess you do what I did…You bug the hell out of them and hope it works…It doesn’t work btw. It’s not his fault I mean you don’t pick who you love or who loves you. I have taken up the task of being quite a pain in the ass lately though and last night I think I actually pissed him off which sucks for me, totally the last goal I ever had.
Here is a brief glimpse in to my history:
I met him (lets just refer to him as Neo) about three years ago and I didn’t fall immediately. I honestly was just having fun and had absolutely no intentions of love none what so ever. Next thing I know **BAM** Neo does a few romantic things and I’m smitten. **sigh** I’m so lame…anyways it’s going great…then some really stupid and complicated stuff happens and we stop dating. **poof** I was heartbroken.
After a year of just pointlessly ripping guys’ hearts out, I finally got serious…hahah wait did I just call that relationship serious?!?!? (Lets refer to this male as Wormtail) I guess I thought it was and I honestly put effort in to it. Come to find out (last night) Wormtail had been cheating on me. Whatever it was a joke anyway, we were the most mismatched couple ever but, I really wanted to move on and I tried my damnedest to do so. Wormtail was the bring home to mom type, the type that you marry then he leaves you for a 25 year old blonde on your 40th birthday.
After the Wormtail fiasco I almost immediately started dating someone new (we shall dub him Boston) and this time I was faking it and wasn’t fooling anyone but him and myself. I was planning on moving across the country to be with Boston and it was all secretly to try to be as far away from Neo as possible. I had it all planned out I was spilling the false I love yous and making plans for the future. Boston just ate it all up. I feel bad he really was a nice guy and I wanted to really love him but I didn’t. One day I just stopped I couldn’t keep faking it, it hurt. He was bound to find out I was bound to find out I wasn’t real. I had made a new me that wasn’t real. That was when I realized “resistance is futile” what a bummer.
So I went back to being alone but real…that was important to me I needed to be real. Neo and I had some run-ins the past three years some good some bad but we never got to the point where we decided to try again…correction he never decided he wanted to try again I have always wanted to give it another shot.
Well now that we’re all up to speed on the past three years lets get in to right now. Since Neo was speaking to me again and even wanted to hang out I decided to have fun with it. I was pretty cocky and a smart ass the first time we hung out again (probably a mistake). We didn’t hang out again for four more months (partially due to a falling out with a mutual friend). When we started talking again it was slow mostly sexual (I’m deprived). Anyhow I decided I wasn’t giving up this time I couldn’t…I really never had. I know a few things as fact. First he doesn’t love me. Second….wait second slipped my mind the first one is pretty powerful it’s hard to see it wrote down. When I think about how I pretty much know he probably won’t ever love me I get this hurt right where my heart should be. I feel like there is little wicked clawed hands inside of me flattening my heart and proceeding to pull from each side until it splinters apart in the middle and just crushing the pieces and where it used to be, then I get the lump in my throat my mouth gets dry and it’s similar to when you get butterflies in your stomach except they are covered in shards of glass that stick in and burry themselves causing a sharp pain that just continues to ache and tear.
Oh now I remember second yes it is hopeless. I know better than to hope for this but my inner dialogue wishes for it. I always try to pad it with words like probably and maybe (as in probably he wont ever love me) to leave just a hint of doubt even though deep down I know it’s hopeless. I just don’t want to know; I want to lie to myself. I guess that’s what makes me a hopeless romantic ha-ha.
Back to me not giving up…I am not, not giving up because I think there is a chance. I am trying because there is no other option at this point. I can’t experience a normal relationship because it becomes a total lie and I don’t want to be alone forever so at least I can say I am trying right?
Up to this point I was still annoying Neo trying to get him to hang out with me and apparently I am persuasive. We recently had a discussion where I was informed that he isn’t in a good place for a relationship right now but he cares about me. Basically sounds good right? He cares…that’s nice I mean it’s really great…I’d just really like it to be deeper than that. Anyhow I tell him I want him. Always have pretty sure (another example of my padding what I say because I don’t want to admit how real this feels to me)always will and I haven’t been able to escape it no matter how I try. Then I explain to Neo that I’m not giving up. Well that worked! We hung out that night….that was like a week ago…I am still being annoying, we haven’t hung out again and it’s looking bleak. Especially since I have been doing my insane go out every night get wrecked on coffee and get buzzed thing. My late night antics are probably getting more than annoying by now. I think he is mad at me for calling him twice while he was sleeping last night…**sigh**
Oh okay so I have left out the worst part of the equation I am 99.9 percent positive Neo is in love with someone else. Strangely enough it’s not because he is in love with someone else that it’s the worst part. It’s that it doesn’t look like there will be a happy ending. I want him to be happy weather or not it’s with me. Yes, I read blogs and bulletins when I see Neo posts them. It’s really none of my business but, he recently posted one about someone and it seems to me he must be just as hopelessly and unattainably in love with her as I am with him.
And there it leaves me broken. But not ready to give up I suppose. Neo may never want me but, that doesn’t change the way I feel about him. Sometimes I wish that I could just forget and that I never met him. I mean how did it even happen? I can’t explain it; it makes no sense to me. But I don’t want to forget. My favorite thing is the way he says my name in a whispered hush. I never want to forget how that sounds.
The story of my maker, What I have and what I ache for-Royksopp
