It still hurts. Yesterday was bad, my interview got cancelled (the only thing I have been looking forward to) and I didn't make any money at work. It was overall just hard, trying to clear my head isn't easy. I know this is completely unhealthy but I really want to pick up more shifts at my second job not for the money though that will be a nice benefit. I want to work as much as possible because being a waitress I will be busy thinking about my tables and I won't think about Neo, at least not much. That's what I need, I need to be so consumed with something else that I have no room for him. That's what I did last time, for awhile it was good. Except that everyone could see the change in my attitude. I went from happy perky me to always being too busy, too tired, and mostly emotionless. It's easier to be emotionless If I let my self feel anything I have to let my self feel everything I can't only allow and embrace the things that make me happy. If I do that I open myself up to feel the bad, the pain, the loneliness, the heartbreak. That is the worst the heartbreak. It's really more physical than you would think, it causes severe anxiety where I just can't breathe my chest starts to hurt...that only happens sometimes though, when it's really bad. All the time it feels like I just can't breathe enough like I'm not filling my lungs all the way up and I feel rather hollow like that beneath my skin it's just empty space no bones or gooey life stuff just space not even filled with air.
You would think I would be used to it by now I have been battling it for a few years. I guess I had got to the point where I was dealing with it pretty good. I didn't think about him all the time, I was dating. I had accepted that I was never going to be with him, I still wanted to be with him but I was sure it would never happen. Then all of the sudden he became a part of my life again. I had hope. I think whats so hard right now is I have been here before. December of 2006...wow it's been so long...I had to face it then and it took a very long time to finally get to the point where I was dealing with it like an adult and not letting it affect and take over the rest of my life. Now I am desperately trying to find a way to go back to that adult behavior. I really don't wanna have a melt down. I'm getting too old for that crap. I also don't wanna be a crotchety old woman because my hearts been busted. I wanna still be that little girl who believes in love and happy endings. I'm trying so hard to be strong and not let it break me down. I think the only thing that has always kept my head just above the water is my parents. They have been married FOREVER lol...really its been like 30 years or something crazy like that. These days that's sort of uncommon and whats even more uncommon is how happy and in love they still are. I want that and if they can have it maybe someday I will find someone that I can have it with too.
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