Boys! ugh!

So mad at Neo!!!

....humpf...

I have been seeing Geology Boy and I really like him! He is nice and smart..a little too shy sometimes but It's manageable. So we had this *should have been the best date ever* date the other night and everything was going well. Until *da da dunnnn* every time he kissed me stupid Neo had to float into my head and ruin my good time. I really thought I was okay and then I got out to my car when I was leaving and burst into tears. I am so mad at him and mad at myself that I can't have a real and good and wonderful relationship because I still want him. I pisses me off soooo much I just want to scream!!!!
*ugh*
So I went over to BFF's house and she got me kinda tipsy. Even before I started drinking I decided I need to tell Neo exactly how he makes me feel (i figured really...he can't ignore me or think I am anymore crazy then he probably already does so eff it). So I did; I am pretty sure he thinks I am nuts lol but I don't even care anymore. I can't help the way my stupid heart feels. Also I refuse to give up on GB just because I had some issues with Neo being in my head it didn't make me like or feel any less for GB it just pissed me off. lol meh whatever I am proud of myself for spilling my guts to Neo and I am proud of myself for still trying with GB. I just hope that one of these days my heart can either move on or Neo comes to his senses ( because really I am pretty much amazing) What? Okay, but being cocky makes me feel better about the whole thing.

Well in other Dre news I have an appt to talk to a doctor about laser removal for my tattoos, long story but I have a effed up tattoo I need partially removed to be fixed, today I am nervous but really excited and I hope she rocks because I am so ready to fix my tattoos. Oh oh oh other good news I got a second job!!!! How badass is that! Seriously stoked! I guess that is about it. I hung out with Hurricane and her son this weekend it was good times I love her and him to death. Random note to BFF sorry for peeing in that cup...It seemed like a good idea at the time. Well time to return to work! Can't wait to go home making rosemary chicken and lots of cupcakes tonight!!! =)

I'll try to add some fun photos later but my computer at home is broken =/

Politics

I feel as though I have very little authority to even express my feelings right now because I know I am not so well educated on the events and the history of the things I am going to briefly discuss however these things have been effecting my train of thought deeply.

See when I am at work and it is a relatively slow day I spend a good majority of my time reading articles (news or other mindless non-sense) recently I became obsessed, more than obsessed consumed, with the Air France crash in the Atlantic. I was reading every bit of news that surfaced and felt an overwhelming relief when they finally stated discovering bodies. I don't really know why I have never had such strong emotions about a plane crash before. Maybe it's because I am going to be flying to Japan this fall or maybe it's because I am getting older and realizing the true mortality of the fragile human race. I don't know but things like this in the media have started to consume me. I looked up as many facts about the general area where the plane crashed and searched to see if there were any islands in the area.


Shortly after my infatuation with airfrance it was the 20th anniversary for the Tinanmen Square Massacre. I had never even heard of this before!!!! I mean aren't we supposed to learn about this stuff in school? Anyhow I quickly became intrigued and decided to read up and learn as much as I could. Which I still think could have been a better learning experience for me if it wasn't for the fact that China acts as if it never happened. It's crazy the things in recent history that I never knew about I mean I just read all about the SLA that was active in the mid-seventies probably two or three months ago for the first time.


I read the story and watched the horrible video of the death of Neda Soltani and it really disturbed me. The fact that no one news station seemed to be reporting the exact same thing about her, the fact that the Iranian government had banned memorial services for her, my lack of the true understanding of whats going on in the rest of the world, and last of all I kinda of expected more of a response from myself to the video. It's pretty effed up the way that society has desensitized us to death. I mean you see her die in that video and there is blood and everything. I should have been crying but I just watched it and felt remorse for her and her family. I wish I would have felt more.

Right now I am trying to figure out who I am and what I stand for. I am trying to take in all these political things that have and are happening around the world and see how I feel. Humans.... so complex.

Bees

Did you know that if all the bees in the world disappeared we would all die?!



Okay fine, I am a tad dramatic...however it is a fact that bees are declining due to ccd. without the bees to pollinate our food we would face a serious crisis. It wouldn't be and instant extinction for us but bees pollinate approx 15-30% of our food and about 15% of our foods food (I'm talking about livestock). This would significantly impact our food supplies. See now I know how I get when I am hungry....and then I think about when I used to waitress and when people get hungry people get mad. People get vicious and rude. Imagine that on a wide scale; there's not enough food to go around....There would be massive civil warring. Things would go downhill fast for the human race.


This is when I got this crazy idea to get some bees and be a beekeeper...in my backyard...(this was only about three short weeks after the babydoll lamb incident). Pfft I'll admit I get a lot of crazy ideas but, some of them are good! So I spend the whole day researching bees and the ccd problem and I decided I want bees. I have always really like them and maybe it would help their population. Well after I get my heart set on bees I go home and tell my parents about the idea. That's when things went south. My dad almost had a effing heart attack. we got into a pretty good screaming match about the damn bees. Sometimes I think I just get him all riled up because it makes my life more interesting.

Well, needless to say I have to put my dreams of bees on the back burner for now. I hope someday to be able to have bees though. Maybe even my own honey =) that would make me happy.


all photo's courtesy of Sylvan

Dating...again

Well I won't say I have given up on Neo but I have decided that I want to date again mostly because I met this really cool guy.


It's kind of complicated and I am not sure how I feel about everything. I mean on this one side I am like smitten for this guy who doesn't and probably never will love me, on the other side I just met this really awesome, smart, attractive, successful guy who I am very into. Then you slice me in half and see the inside of me and I am scared and reluctant to get in a relationship knowing that I will soon be jetting off to Japan for sometime and then upon my arrival home my life will most definitely be flipped upside down radically when I start school again and run off to Europe for part of my summer. I am terrified knowing that the next year of my life is going to be me growing exponentially doing things I never thought I would or could and if I do decided to seriously date can a relationship survive all of the changes and challenges that are going to commence?

Also I am terrified (irrationally) that when I least expect it Neo will by some twist of fate change his mind and decided he is hopelessly in love with me and then I face the ultimate horror of deciding who I would pick. Honestly if this scenario were to ever play out I would hope with all of my heart that I would pick the other man not Neo. I want someone to make me forget all about him. I want to meet someone and love them so much that I don't lose my breath when I hear his name, that I don't feel that pang in my stomach. Seriously, I would love to find someone that I love that much and loves me back =)


Back to the importance of now though I dont know if dating is honestly the best idea. So much is going to happen in my life in the next year I just dont know =/

It's been too long

So sorry for the lack of updates recently life has been a little busy and crazy.

I have been doing a massive amount of house sitting which is nice I like the money and it can be nice to sort of have my own place (lol) but, I really miss my babies when I am gone. Oh speaking of babies seriously freaky I keep having dreams about them...dreams where I have a baby and it is freaking me out. First one I was cuddling with a little boy (my little boy apparently) he was adorable but, i woke up and was all WTF I don't have any kids **breathe deeply**. Then I had a dream where I actually gave birth to a little girl. When they handed her to me I was admiring her and the strange thing was she was black, I mean obviously she didn't have the pigment yet but I seemed fully aware she would develop the pigmentation of an African American. Strange dreams.

Other than that just working and looking desperately for a second job. Totally broke right now, it's bumming me out. Oh! and I think I am finally falling back into dating which is probably a very healthy turn for me =) (maybe after Wednesday I'll give some details). Oh, and about people dating BFF recently got a BF which is cool but I wont lie I am scared I am gonna lose her to a boy. She doesn't seem worried by this which eases my fear. I am pretty excited about her BF he is nice and he is like me CRAZY lol. So I think we are going to get along okay.

Almost forgot I quit drinking like for real. I has been three weeks tomorrow! I am so proud of myself. I have had a few times where I am like man I would really like a glass of wine but for the most part it is really effing easy and I don't even mind being the sober one when I go out with my friends. Not drinking is surprisingly cool. It makes me happy to wake up and know every little thing I did the night before and not have to call anyone to apologize for anything. I do plan on drinking again at some point but when I do I am going to try very hard to have learned my limits and remember that I can have more fun sober than trashed.

I need to get back to work so check out this song it's AMAZING!! <3



Headlights-Put us back together right