Lonliness

(This is a Photo my sister took years ago)

I started this blog last week a post on love and loneliness. I was feeling unlucky and down in love when it seemed a lot of my friends were doing great getting married having kids falling in love and things being pretty much stellar for them. Well you know I guess as the saying goes the grass is always greener on the other side. I decided to re-write my partially written blog after I realized there is always always struggles especially when you think things are starting to finally go right.

I don't know what's going on and it is none of my business if she chooses not to inform me but, a close friend seems to be having some sort of marital or just personal problems, BFF dumped her BF turns out he is a man-child and needs to do some growing up before there will ever be a real relationship, you know the kind with give and take equally. Those are just the two main people that I am worried about right now. It makes me sad because I saw how happy BFF was and how even though she hides it well she is struggling. With my other close friend I don't see her much because we live kinda far and I work a ton but, I worry about her all the same and we went from crazy party animals to her being married with a baby in about a year. It was such an erratic change but, I think it's what she really wanted. Both of these important people in my life seemed to be getting just what would really make them happy just to have something happen and mess it up.

When I see the people I care about hurting because of love I start to dissect the theory of it. I love being in love. It's so much fun it makes me happy. I would at anytime risk the hurt if I can just feel intensity of it. However in times like these I wonder what does love really mean. I wonder if I totally throw around the notion of love. I seem to think I have been "in love" about four times...but that seems a little excessive to me. Can you really truly be in love more than once? I am not talking about in love like the platonic or love between a mother and child I mean pure, true, romantic, intense, unselfish love. I find myself wondering if it was just that I loved the person rather than really being in love with them. Maybe I cant tell the difference between certain emotions maybe, I just loved them and thought I was in love with them because I have yet to really feel true passion and love. I wonder if I took my loneliness and yearning for someone and transformed it into what I thought was love?

I remember falling in love with dead guy...I was young and he was so dangerous? I don't know if that is the right word but I was fascinated by him. things started out pretty well I wanted to spend all of my time with him he made me happy and it was more than happy it was impossible to describe. As time went on I was young and stupid and felt like I was too young at times to be tied down. Through the years after multiple break ups and troubles in our relationships I think I just fell out of love. I think you can love someone so much but that through you both being so destructive to the relationship and yourselves that you can destroy the love. I have never and will never stop loving him, but as for being in love with him I think that feeling is gone forever. It hurts to think of it still but I just remember waking up one day and it clicking that I needed to move on.

I'd like to think that I feel in love again somewhat soon but I think I just thought I was in love with him because he carried the same kind of appeal of my first love. he was talented and a bit crazy and I loved it and I thought I loved him. I don't really know though I suppose I never will.

Then came Neo. Talk about whirlwind. I met him because I was bummed about 2 dumping me for his ex and my best friends thought I should meet Neo. They said I might like him, and that he was super hott. It happened so fast I can't believe I still remember every moment. From the first time we met to the late nights in parking lots to Roo (a big dog) trying to share the bed with us to picking him up on one of I'm sure the most somber days of his life. It was fast only little more than a month but, it was warm and comfy, passionate and pleasant, it was the most complete I have ever felt. I think that if I have ever felt real true love that was it. I never told him while we were together. It took me years I think to finally express it to him. He sort of said it one night over doughnuts. Probably my favorite way I have ever been told someone loves me. ^_^ I miss him terribly, deep down I know if he doesn't miss me particularly he misses that brief time even if it's just a tiny bit.

I'm bummed, I have been seeing all these people being in love and getting screwed thing and I have been totally effed over. I want to think there is still love out there for me but I'm feeling broken. The last few people I have dated I dropped the L bomb and I don't think I loved them I think I thought I could pretend I loved them and someday really love them and be happy in that. I feel like Miss Cathrine in Wuthering Heights...being terribly in love with someone and forcing myself to love and become someone else because it's what is "best".

I think I am going to have to tell GB that I'd really like to be just friends. We have been going out on dates for a little more than a month now. I like him he is a cool person...I don't feel gooey and stuff about him though. I don't yearn to talk to him all the time. I don't count the minutes until I get to see him...Actually it feels really like formal? I don't see a future there like I don't see me waking up next to him all disheveled looking and then making us eggs and bacon and in my underwear. Might sound like a weird thing I want in my future but I want that. I want to wake up next to the man I love with my hair a wreck and have him look at me and tell me I am beautiful then I go into the kitchen make some awesome breakfast and lounge around the house in my underwear all day. That's love I tell you what...and I can't even imagine staying the night with him....Yeah it's over I just need to express that to him in a way that wont hurt...

I hate dumping people. Honestly we aren't like official but It's not like I have something like you slept with my best friend or you we have nothing in common..honestly I am glad thats not the case but it's better when it's something they can justify by going oh wow shes right (like I am a hunter he is a vegan) but no, all I have is sorry I don't love you and I don't think I am going to. I would rather not get in this deeper so to avoid it being more painful for both parties later on. But I think you are pretty rad so lets be friends!...that never goes well...I am so sick of telling guys I don't love you that's why. They don't get it they think they can change it or they think that I am just being scared of commitment. I am scared of commitment but I don't think I would be if I fell in love and you can't make me love you if I don't, I don't.

Well anyway I went out with this guy from work the other night. I like him, I wasn't sure I would because we seem very different but I think we actually have a lot in common and he smells good...lol. I think we will probably go out again soon but I am so busy. (honestly I am scared it is going to turn out just like things have with GB and I am going back and forth with the OMG I am going to Japan in 79 days! is dating really a good idea?) Oh snap I forgot I am supposed to go out with this other guy and I keep blowing him off . =/ oops