Time to give up?

So I keep thinking to myself...what am I getting out of this...nothing I am just causing myself more heartache in the end. So I keep thinking I am going to tell him I am going back to pretending I don't "love" him. That I feel like a nuisance. That it was easier then, easier to stuff it all inside and try to forget about it and I know I can't make him love me so I am going to step off.

Will he care? Will it matter?


I want to do that I really do but hell, I wish I didn't have to even tell him and be fine with that. I don't know if I can. Will it be like every time before when I try to move on and don't and It just plagues my mind? What does it say about my character if when things are hopeless I give up?

....that's when my sanity chimes in and goes ANDREA!!! wake up effing call!!! maybe if you were actually together giving up would be bad, maybe if he actually felt the same way giving up would be bad but HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! wake up and stop pretending that one day he is going to realize it. He wont because he doesn't....

meh...sometimes I ask myself do you really truly still love him? "yes" really? "yes" are you sure?? "pretty sure" well crap. Maybe I don't maybe I just haven't met the real right person? Problem is, is for me he is just what I want. I always wanted a guy who was versatile...that I could take out in any situation and not have him feel totally out of place(dancing @ a nice club, a show, a nice dinner, camping), Someone who I could joke with and do silly things with, a guy that was attractive and at least a little taller than me ( i know I am shallow but it's human nature, if I am not attracted to you it wont work), somewhat similar taste in music, someone I could argue with without it being a fight. I think he fits those things pretty well and there is more like the stuff that is just there like how he makes me so nervous I wanna barf (which is good sign in my book lol) how the way he smells just makes my mind numb, the way he says my name and I feel like my hearts going to explode and when he hugs me and I just want to stay in his arms forever (god I am sooooo LAME)

...of course there is the stuff that doesn't work with him too, like oh yeah I want him to feel all gooey and stupid about me too...yeah that might help, and I am not going to lie I wish he had a better career (he hates what he is doing) and he is soooo unbelievably negative sometimes he spends a lot of time thinking about how bad things are instead of looking at the positive stuff. What is worse is this makes me ache even more I hate that he is always unhappy and I just wish I could find some way to make him happy. (regardless if I am involved or not)

Honestly I think the fact that I have been giving in and expressing the way I feel has really not been good for me. With my luck somehow he will find my little secret blog and flip and even if he doesn't I think it allows me to dwell on it more than I should I sit here and write it all down everything instead of telling myself not to think about it. I need to let go I just can't. Oh and of course still seeing GB really really like him can't say if it's ever gonna be anything crazy serious at this point but like I seriously doubt he is going to understand that I am stupid hung up on some guy from my past but I am trying to move past it. =P ughh I have a girls night tonight and I am really glad I need it really bad.