Every Time it's Right...it's wrong

Hello emptiness. You know it's great that I am going to be doing all these things like Japan and school and all that and honestly I wanted to be single while I was in Japan so I could like grow and stuff but of course I met someone. Seriously the guy from work, lets call him Mr. X (he sorta made up his own name) , not my type at all if you can even call my type a type. I have dated a pretty wide array of men. Tattooed from head to toe, Preppy little Christan boys, Tall dark and handsome..I've pretty much covered a lot of bases...well Mr.X is like off the radar...he is super into sports, listens to country and rap, loves movies and being a homebody, picky eater....can you tell how not my type he is?? if you cant lets throw in the buff part and the fact that he hates bars he is also from West Virginia (cutest accent that ones a plus)....seriously sounds like a match made in hell right!?!? Wrong I have this crazy intense chemical reaction to him. I love the way he smells and smell is like huge for me. I don't even mind just sitting around with him, I am so comfortable with him that the second time we hung out I was able to practically fall asleep on his chest. The most impressive thing about him is I don't even think about Neo when I am with him. And when we kiss i feel that spark.

Now that I have told you about the wonderful amazing Mr.X...he dumped me yesterday. Okay so we weren't really "together" and honestly only had hung out a handful of times but I was pretty hopeful and excited. I went home sick from work yesterday (stomach bug) I fell asleep and slept until noon. I woke up to three text messages from him detailing how I am a really great, smart, funny girl and how he really does like me but he is dealing with some depression issues and he needs to deal with that and stay focused (i assume on school) basically he said I don't want to date you because I am depressed and I don't want to fuck you up too, but I really do like you...

ouch...me being sick and emotional because it's that time of the month decides to stay in bed crying and sleeping for a few more hours. Really crappy part is I figured if anything happens i.e. a breakup his last day at work is the 21st didn't think anything would happen that soon so I thought I was in the clear...well lucky me still has a whole week I have to work with him. I just want to hide under my covers. Most of me hopes that he is being honest and really does like care about me and maybe when I come home and he is less crazy we can date but most of me also knows even if that wasn't just a way out what are the chances of it working out all nice and story book perfect like I want...I am so fucking bummed out right now. it doesn't help that today is creeping along so its like every minute I have I think about the dread of working with him tonight, seeing him and trying not to be a pussy or a bitch. I'm not so good at either I am a total pussy and a huge bitch especially when I have been hurt.

Oh I left out the best part he likes cats...dudes don't like cats for real...for being so wrong he is at the same time so right. I need a man who likes cats that is super important.

exasustion

So two Sundays was my only day off until god only knows when. I am tired. It doesn't help that I have been going out a lot. I mean I wasn't going out much at all for awhile there but now that I am working practically every night, I get off and I want to go unwind with my friends. So, I have been going to grab a cocktail or two after work sometimes. It's having a pretty profound effect on me I am dosing off as I type. I feel my soft yet slightly sore eyelids drooping. I blink multiple times to fight it off. It's not working; I briefly close my eyes and my thoughts are riddled with "wake up this is a bad idea" and "who cares they are going to fire you anyway"...and then I desperately try to snap out of it before the next person walks by...I'm doing a little better Its almost noon I think I am finally waking up. I can't keep this up for too much longer...Cant wait till Japan I will finally be able to sleep.

Lonliness

(This is a Photo my sister took years ago)

I started this blog last week a post on love and loneliness. I was feeling unlucky and down in love when it seemed a lot of my friends were doing great getting married having kids falling in love and things being pretty much stellar for them. Well you know I guess as the saying goes the grass is always greener on the other side. I decided to re-write my partially written blog after I realized there is always always struggles especially when you think things are starting to finally go right.

I don't know what's going on and it is none of my business if she chooses not to inform me but, a close friend seems to be having some sort of marital or just personal problems, BFF dumped her BF turns out he is a man-child and needs to do some growing up before there will ever be a real relationship, you know the kind with give and take equally. Those are just the two main people that I am worried about right now. It makes me sad because I saw how happy BFF was and how even though she hides it well she is struggling. With my other close friend I don't see her much because we live kinda far and I work a ton but, I worry about her all the same and we went from crazy party animals to her being married with a baby in about a year. It was such an erratic change but, I think it's what she really wanted. Both of these important people in my life seemed to be getting just what would really make them happy just to have something happen and mess it up.

When I see the people I care about hurting because of love I start to dissect the theory of it. I love being in love. It's so much fun it makes me happy. I would at anytime risk the hurt if I can just feel intensity of it. However in times like these I wonder what does love really mean. I wonder if I totally throw around the notion of love. I seem to think I have been "in love" about four times...but that seems a little excessive to me. Can you really truly be in love more than once? I am not talking about in love like the platonic or love between a mother and child I mean pure, true, romantic, intense, unselfish love. I find myself wondering if it was just that I loved the person rather than really being in love with them. Maybe I cant tell the difference between certain emotions maybe, I just loved them and thought I was in love with them because I have yet to really feel true passion and love. I wonder if I took my loneliness and yearning for someone and transformed it into what I thought was love?

I remember falling in love with dead guy...I was young and he was so dangerous? I don't know if that is the right word but I was fascinated by him. things started out pretty well I wanted to spend all of my time with him he made me happy and it was more than happy it was impossible to describe. As time went on I was young and stupid and felt like I was too young at times to be tied down. Through the years after multiple break ups and troubles in our relationships I think I just fell out of love. I think you can love someone so much but that through you both being so destructive to the relationship and yourselves that you can destroy the love. I have never and will never stop loving him, but as for being in love with him I think that feeling is gone forever. It hurts to think of it still but I just remember waking up one day and it clicking that I needed to move on.

I'd like to think that I feel in love again somewhat soon but I think I just thought I was in love with him because he carried the same kind of appeal of my first love. he was talented and a bit crazy and I loved it and I thought I loved him. I don't really know though I suppose I never will.

Then came Neo. Talk about whirlwind. I met him because I was bummed about 2 dumping me for his ex and my best friends thought I should meet Neo. They said I might like him, and that he was super hott. It happened so fast I can't believe I still remember every moment. From the first time we met to the late nights in parking lots to Roo (a big dog) trying to share the bed with us to picking him up on one of I'm sure the most somber days of his life. It was fast only little more than a month but, it was warm and comfy, passionate and pleasant, it was the most complete I have ever felt. I think that if I have ever felt real true love that was it. I never told him while we were together. It took me years I think to finally express it to him. He sort of said it one night over doughnuts. Probably my favorite way I have ever been told someone loves me. ^_^ I miss him terribly, deep down I know if he doesn't miss me particularly he misses that brief time even if it's just a tiny bit.

I'm bummed, I have been seeing all these people being in love and getting screwed thing and I have been totally effed over. I want to think there is still love out there for me but I'm feeling broken. The last few people I have dated I dropped the L bomb and I don't think I loved them I think I thought I could pretend I loved them and someday really love them and be happy in that. I feel like Miss Cathrine in Wuthering Heights...being terribly in love with someone and forcing myself to love and become someone else because it's what is "best".

I think I am going to have to tell GB that I'd really like to be just friends. We have been going out on dates for a little more than a month now. I like him he is a cool person...I don't feel gooey and stuff about him though. I don't yearn to talk to him all the time. I don't count the minutes until I get to see him...Actually it feels really like formal? I don't see a future there like I don't see me waking up next to him all disheveled looking and then making us eggs and bacon and in my underwear. Might sound like a weird thing I want in my future but I want that. I want to wake up next to the man I love with my hair a wreck and have him look at me and tell me I am beautiful then I go into the kitchen make some awesome breakfast and lounge around the house in my underwear all day. That's love I tell you what...and I can't even imagine staying the night with him....Yeah it's over I just need to express that to him in a way that wont hurt...

I hate dumping people. Honestly we aren't like official but It's not like I have something like you slept with my best friend or you we have nothing in common..honestly I am glad thats not the case but it's better when it's something they can justify by going oh wow shes right (like I am a hunter he is a vegan) but no, all I have is sorry I don't love you and I don't think I am going to. I would rather not get in this deeper so to avoid it being more painful for both parties later on. But I think you are pretty rad so lets be friends!...that never goes well...I am so sick of telling guys I don't love you that's why. They don't get it they think they can change it or they think that I am just being scared of commitment. I am scared of commitment but I don't think I would be if I fell in love and you can't make me love you if I don't, I don't.

Well anyway I went out with this guy from work the other night. I like him, I wasn't sure I would because we seem very different but I think we actually have a lot in common and he smells good...lol. I think we will probably go out again soon but I am so busy. (honestly I am scared it is going to turn out just like things have with GB and I am going back and forth with the OMG I am going to Japan in 79 days! is dating really a good idea?) Oh snap I forgot I am supposed to go out with this other guy and I keep blowing him off . =/ oops

Day 17

I wish I had a sheep to scream into

Boy, the last week has been intense...I am really really going to need my trip to Japan by the time it arrives. So little update before I get into handling my rejection. I have only seen two more roaches and I killed the one in the house with a phone book...sigh the bugs are the only thing I really hate about monsoon season. Almost home for the month, might be getting fired, paid off my truck, working everyday all the time...still desperately need more money for Japan and to pay off debt before I go.



So now that you know whats going on time to delve into what this blog is really about....



Day 17 still a hopeless romantic. Well I talked to him once only because I was in a tight spot and I needed someone. Neo has always been there for me when I really need someone...weird huh after everything but, if I am in trouble or something he always picks up the phone or calls me right back. I needed someone and T3 wouldn't answer his phone, BFF didn't either, I didn't know what else to do so I called sister in Japan...lol yeah she didn't answer either. Last resort...Neo I knew he would answer or call back. Now I was being smart the other day and deleted his number all the old texts everything. However I have a stash of phone numbers in my planner. I know what you are saying right now "rip that page out" yeah yeah I have heard it from about everyone. I wont though. I have a good reason why too. Well other than I don't want to, like I said earlier he is always there if I need him. There are a million different scenarios I can think of where I could call him and say I need you and I am pretty sure he would be there. There's not a ton of people I can say that about.



So I called him and he talked to me for a few minutes until I calmed down. Then in the next hour everyone else I had called started calling back lol. Then I got chastised by everyone for calling him, =P...since then no contact. Sometimes I read the stuff he posts on myspace but most of the time I don't even want to. The second job thing is helping I am so effing busy all of the time I can barely breathe let alone think. So most of the time I am okay, it is a little hard at night when I am alone and it's quiet...lucky for me I am so damn tired I pass out really fast.

...still I hope someday things will be different...

ATTACK of the MUTANT COCKROACH

Last night I arrived at the house I am watching, tired after a long day. I put Jefe on the leash and take him for a brisk walk so he can do his business. Upon returning home I stumble for the kitchen thinking I want some of my ice cream and fresh raspberries before bed. I ready my ice cream, wash off my raspberries and grab a spoon to shovel my happiness with. Oh dang, almost for got to fill Jefe's bowl and get him some fresh water. So in my sleepy haze I dump the old water and OMFG!!!! there is some thing in the sink! EEEEK! it's a COCKROACH!!! EEEE!!! As I squeal uncontrollably and try to comprehend what to do reflexes kick in. I grab the sink sprayer thinger and turn it to hot and start spraying the crap outta him! He almost got away but after about ten minutes of vicious spraying he seems to be...not quite dead...but also not alive...all I can think about is how I was watching Alton brown the other night and he was comparing the creatures to lobster **shudder** I'd much prefer lobster be loose in the house. So paralyzed...or so he seems I run in the other room grab my phone and call T3 he is utterly no assistance...so I call BFF she might be close by I think to myself...she also offers no help...so I call GB I knew he would be no help as he lives hella far from where I was at but he did give me some moral support and didn't laugh too much every time I screeched. Eventually I managed to get it in the side of the sink with the disposal and it was good-bye nasty roach...well until I was asleep...lol nah I just had really stupid nightmares about cockroaches all night.

Day 3- It will get easier

It still hurts. Yesterday was bad, my interview got cancelled (the only thing I have been looking forward to) and I didn't make any money at work. It was overall just hard, trying to clear my head isn't easy. I know this is completely unhealthy but I really want to pick up more shifts at my second job not for the money though that will be a nice benefit. I want to work as much as possible because being a waitress I will be busy thinking about my tables and I won't think about Neo, at least not much. That's what I need, I need to be so consumed with something else that I have no room for him. That's what I did last time, for awhile it was good. Except that everyone could see the change in my attitude. I went from happy perky me to always being too busy, too tired, and mostly emotionless. It's easier to be emotionless If I let my self feel anything I have to let my self feel everything I can't only allow and embrace the things that make me happy. If I do that I open myself up to feel the bad, the pain, the loneliness, the heartbreak. That is the worst the heartbreak. It's really more physical than you would think, it causes severe anxiety where I just can't breathe my chest starts to hurt...that only happens sometimes though, when it's really bad. All the time it feels like I just can't breathe enough like I'm not filling my lungs all the way up and I feel rather hollow like that beneath my skin it's just empty space no bones or gooey life stuff just space not even filled with air.

You would think I would be used to it by now I have been battling it for a few years. I guess I had got to the point where I was dealing with it pretty good. I didn't think about him all the time, I was dating. I had accepted that I was never going to be with him, I still wanted to be with him but I was sure it would never happen. Then all of the sudden he became a part of my life again. I had hope. I think whats so hard right now is I have been here before. December of 2006...wow it's been so long...I had to face it then and it took a very long time to finally get to the point where I was dealing with it like an adult and not letting it affect and take over the rest of my life. Now I am desperately trying to find a way to go back to that adult behavior. I really don't wanna have a melt down. I'm getting too old for that crap. I also don't wanna be a crotchety old woman because my hearts been busted. I wanna still be that little girl who believes in love and happy endings. I'm trying so hard to be strong and not let it break me down. I think the only thing that has always kept my head just above the water is my parents. They have been married FOREVER lol...really its been like 30 years or something crazy like that. These days that's sort of uncommon and whats even more uncommon is how happy and in love they still are. I want that and if they can have it maybe someday I will find someone that I can have it with too.

As you wish

Well I did it I told him. I cried. I feel lame. I feel defeated. I just want to sleep for days and not face the world. I asked him what he thought it would be best for me to do and he said to stop trying. So here I go giving up. ouch I think the world stopped turning. I would post a nice picture to go with this but the only thing that I can think of is a black hole filled with my dreams and all the hope I once bottled deep inside. God I just wish I could go to Japan already of all the times for sister to be so far away and BFF to not have a phone. I feel my heart crumbling inside my chest. I have a big day tomorrow...goodnight.

Time to give up?

So I keep thinking to myself...what am I getting out of this...nothing I am just causing myself more heartache in the end. So I keep thinking I am going to tell him I am going back to pretending I don't "love" him. That I feel like a nuisance. That it was easier then, easier to stuff it all inside and try to forget about it and I know I can't make him love me so I am going to step off.

Will he care? Will it matter?


I want to do that I really do but hell, I wish I didn't have to even tell him and be fine with that. I don't know if I can. Will it be like every time before when I try to move on and don't and It just plagues my mind? What does it say about my character if when things are hopeless I give up?

....that's when my sanity chimes in and goes ANDREA!!! wake up effing call!!! maybe if you were actually together giving up would be bad, maybe if he actually felt the same way giving up would be bad but HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! wake up and stop pretending that one day he is going to realize it. He wont because he doesn't....

meh...sometimes I ask myself do you really truly still love him? "yes" really? "yes" are you sure?? "pretty sure" well crap. Maybe I don't maybe I just haven't met the real right person? Problem is, is for me he is just what I want. I always wanted a guy who was versatile...that I could take out in any situation and not have him feel totally out of place(dancing @ a nice club, a show, a nice dinner, camping), Someone who I could joke with and do silly things with, a guy that was attractive and at least a little taller than me ( i know I am shallow but it's human nature, if I am not attracted to you it wont work), somewhat similar taste in music, someone I could argue with without it being a fight. I think he fits those things pretty well and there is more like the stuff that is just there like how he makes me so nervous I wanna barf (which is good sign in my book lol) how the way he smells just makes my mind numb, the way he says my name and I feel like my hearts going to explode and when he hugs me and I just want to stay in his arms forever (god I am sooooo LAME)

...of course there is the stuff that doesn't work with him too, like oh yeah I want him to feel all gooey and stupid about me too...yeah that might help, and I am not going to lie I wish he had a better career (he hates what he is doing) and he is soooo unbelievably negative sometimes he spends a lot of time thinking about how bad things are instead of looking at the positive stuff. What is worse is this makes me ache even more I hate that he is always unhappy and I just wish I could find some way to make him happy. (regardless if I am involved or not)

Honestly I think the fact that I have been giving in and expressing the way I feel has really not been good for me. With my luck somehow he will find my little secret blog and flip and even if he doesn't I think it allows me to dwell on it more than I should I sit here and write it all down everything instead of telling myself not to think about it. I need to let go I just can't. Oh and of course still seeing GB really really like him can't say if it's ever gonna be anything crazy serious at this point but like I seriously doubt he is going to understand that I am stupid hung up on some guy from my past but I am trying to move past it. =P ughh I have a girls night tonight and I am really glad I need it really bad.

Cupcakes!!!

So me and mom spent the whole night making cupcakes last week!We made two different kinds, Strawberry and S'mores, and it was kinda cheater style we used box mix for them but to the one recipe we added lots of good stuff and we made the frosting for both of them.

It was really fun though and seriously such good cupcakes!

GRRR

I am really irritated. Granted I know my computer is probably not my fathers first priority but it has been three weeks! I want my computer back. I want access to all my drives. I want to sit at my desk and type my blogs and upload my pictures for them but I can't. Instead I am doing my blogging at work with no access to my photos in a hostile cold uncomfortable atmosphere. It doesn't help that I am really sleepy.



I started my second job last week (waitress) and last night was my last training shift....I'm beat right now not to mention I have been house sitting for the past few weeks so it's get up and go to work by 7:30am then get off at 4:30pm then go check on the dog get changed and go to work by 5:30 6ish and then get home about 10pm try to wind down and go to sleep. The crappy thing is I keep forgetting to eat dinner. It's too early to eat before my second shift and after I just want to crawl into bed =/ *sigh* so anyways good story from my training. It was my third night training and things were going really well, I used to waitress for this company years ago so it has really all just been a review, I was training with this really awesome dude he was super nice and made me more comfortable than anyone else had. So, I get this table that's GF (gluten free) and you know I am trying to accommodate her but we don't have a GF menu so she ends up ordering just a grilled chicken breast. First the salad I brought her I forgot no croutons (mental head slap) then I am at another table when I see them bringing out her food....S O B! they put fries on her plate and its all over her chicken!!! Normally this wouldn't be an issue however our fries are fried in the same oil as other wheat things...so I'm like crap!!! I swoop in and grab her plate and tell her I'll have it fixed right away. I'm feeling pretty heated as I march into the kitchen with my trainer right behind me and put the plate in the window kinda in a "strong voice" say, "guys! gluten free means no french fries!" I told them to fix it and stomped off to check on my table. As I go back into the kitchen to check on my order I hear creepy cook telling Manager 2 and I quote "If that little bitch ever talks to me like that again I'm gonna..." that's apparently when he noticed me. Oh and my trainer started flipping out because he was pissed CC called me a bitch. Anyway I was like oopps....I really didn't mean to piss anyone off or to have it directed at anyone in specific I just wanted it fixed. here I go on a little rant...I dated a guy for several years that I am still friends with who was highly allergic to chicken and a few other things so I know how serious food allergies really are. So that should have been something they took totally seriously and the ticket didn't even say fries any where on it?! well we had just been over not yelling at the cooking in the shift meeting so I'm thinking crap...I'm gonna get reamed M2 got M1 and they took CC in the office to talk to him and then they took my trainer in the office and then it was my turn =( pfft...well they just wanted me to recount the incident, I told them how I remembered it and went on with my night I guess I wasn't in trouble he was for calling me names. Still it was crazy I was like damn wow it's only my third night! but I mean so far everything is cool he apologized to me and I was like whatever dude. I don't really like him not at all. Here is the thing I sat down with M1 last night and we talked about shit we talked about what it was like when I worked at the other location and the things that I see that need improvement at this store and honestly I am hoping that I can make a difference for the better at this store and teach everyone to work as a team.



Back to the rest of my blog...So I think I am going to let that doctor do my tattoo removal. I am terrified but I am ready to do something with my wrists. She seems pretty reputable and like I said I am ready. I will probably start off with one or two treatments before I head off to Japan but we will have to see!





In other news had a 4th of July party (didn't get pictures of my treats **mental head slap**) but it was pretty fun swimming, food, and friends =) GB came and T3, BFF, BFF bf, and some other people I know were there. It was good. Later we went to crash this other party that was LAME!! then I went home hung out with Neo and went to bed. Seriously though I made some awesome treats. There was a triple layer pie, raspberry cupcakes, dirt dessert and I made BLT pasta salad. Other than that hot dogs and hamburgers. Oh!! and BFF's famous apricot brandy slush!



All in all things have been alright lately I just need to get more sleep.