Day 3- It will get easier

It still hurts. Yesterday was bad, my interview got cancelled (the only thing I have been looking forward to) and I didn't make any money at work. It was overall just hard, trying to clear my head isn't easy. I know this is completely unhealthy but I really want to pick up more shifts at my second job not for the money though that will be a nice benefit. I want to work as much as possible because being a waitress I will be busy thinking about my tables and I won't think about Neo, at least not much. That's what I need, I need to be so consumed with something else that I have no room for him. That's what I did last time, for awhile it was good. Except that everyone could see the change in my attitude. I went from happy perky me to always being too busy, too tired, and mostly emotionless. It's easier to be emotionless If I let my self feel anything I have to let my self feel everything I can't only allow and embrace the things that make me happy. If I do that I open myself up to feel the bad, the pain, the loneliness, the heartbreak. That is the worst the heartbreak. It's really more physical than you would think, it causes severe anxiety where I just can't breathe my chest starts to hurt...that only happens sometimes though, when it's really bad. All the time it feels like I just can't breathe enough like I'm not filling my lungs all the way up and I feel rather hollow like that beneath my skin it's just empty space no bones or gooey life stuff just space not even filled with air.

You would think I would be used to it by now I have been battling it for a few years. I guess I had got to the point where I was dealing with it pretty good. I didn't think about him all the time, I was dating. I had accepted that I was never going to be with him, I still wanted to be with him but I was sure it would never happen. Then all of the sudden he became a part of my life again. I had hope. I think whats so hard right now is I have been here before. December of 2006...wow it's been so long...I had to face it then and it took a very long time to finally get to the point where I was dealing with it like an adult and not letting it affect and take over the rest of my life. Now I am desperately trying to find a way to go back to that adult behavior. I really don't wanna have a melt down. I'm getting too old for that crap. I also don't wanna be a crotchety old woman because my hearts been busted. I wanna still be that little girl who believes in love and happy endings. I'm trying so hard to be strong and not let it break me down. I think the only thing that has always kept my head just above the water is my parents. They have been married FOREVER lol...really its been like 30 years or something crazy like that. These days that's sort of uncommon and whats even more uncommon is how happy and in love they still are. I want that and if they can have it maybe someday I will find someone that I can have it with too.

As you wish

Well I did it I told him. I cried. I feel lame. I feel defeated. I just want to sleep for days and not face the world. I asked him what he thought it would be best for me to do and he said to stop trying. So here I go giving up. ouch I think the world stopped turning. I would post a nice picture to go with this but the only thing that I can think of is a black hole filled with my dreams and all the hope I once bottled deep inside. God I just wish I could go to Japan already of all the times for sister to be so far away and BFF to not have a phone. I feel my heart crumbling inside my chest. I have a big day tomorrow...goodnight.

Time to give up?

So I keep thinking to myself...what am I getting out of this...nothing I am just causing myself more heartache in the end. So I keep thinking I am going to tell him I am going back to pretending I don't "love" him. That I feel like a nuisance. That it was easier then, easier to stuff it all inside and try to forget about it and I know I can't make him love me so I am going to step off.

Will he care? Will it matter?


I want to do that I really do but hell, I wish I didn't have to even tell him and be fine with that. I don't know if I can. Will it be like every time before when I try to move on and don't and It just plagues my mind? What does it say about my character if when things are hopeless I give up?

....that's when my sanity chimes in and goes ANDREA!!! wake up effing call!!! maybe if you were actually together giving up would be bad, maybe if he actually felt the same way giving up would be bad but HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! wake up and stop pretending that one day he is going to realize it. He wont because he doesn't....

meh...sometimes I ask myself do you really truly still love him? "yes" really? "yes" are you sure?? "pretty sure" well crap. Maybe I don't maybe I just haven't met the real right person? Problem is, is for me he is just what I want. I always wanted a guy who was versatile...that I could take out in any situation and not have him feel totally out of place(dancing @ a nice club, a show, a nice dinner, camping), Someone who I could joke with and do silly things with, a guy that was attractive and at least a little taller than me ( i know I am shallow but it's human nature, if I am not attracted to you it wont work), somewhat similar taste in music, someone I could argue with without it being a fight. I think he fits those things pretty well and there is more like the stuff that is just there like how he makes me so nervous I wanna barf (which is good sign in my book lol) how the way he smells just makes my mind numb, the way he says my name and I feel like my hearts going to explode and when he hugs me and I just want to stay in his arms forever (god I am sooooo LAME)

...of course there is the stuff that doesn't work with him too, like oh yeah I want him to feel all gooey and stupid about me too...yeah that might help, and I am not going to lie I wish he had a better career (he hates what he is doing) and he is soooo unbelievably negative sometimes he spends a lot of time thinking about how bad things are instead of looking at the positive stuff. What is worse is this makes me ache even more I hate that he is always unhappy and I just wish I could find some way to make him happy. (regardless if I am involved or not)

Honestly I think the fact that I have been giving in and expressing the way I feel has really not been good for me. With my luck somehow he will find my little secret blog and flip and even if he doesn't I think it allows me to dwell on it more than I should I sit here and write it all down everything instead of telling myself not to think about it. I need to let go I just can't. Oh and of course still seeing GB really really like him can't say if it's ever gonna be anything crazy serious at this point but like I seriously doubt he is going to understand that I am stupid hung up on some guy from my past but I am trying to move past it. =P ughh I have a girls night tonight and I am really glad I need it really bad.

Cupcakes!!!

So me and mom spent the whole night making cupcakes last week!We made two different kinds, Strawberry and S'mores, and it was kinda cheater style we used box mix for them but to the one recipe we added lots of good stuff and we made the frosting for both of them.

It was really fun though and seriously such good cupcakes!

GRRR

I am really irritated. Granted I know my computer is probably not my fathers first priority but it has been three weeks! I want my computer back. I want access to all my drives. I want to sit at my desk and type my blogs and upload my pictures for them but I can't. Instead I am doing my blogging at work with no access to my photos in a hostile cold uncomfortable atmosphere. It doesn't help that I am really sleepy.



I started my second job last week (waitress) and last night was my last training shift....I'm beat right now not to mention I have been house sitting for the past few weeks so it's get up and go to work by 7:30am then get off at 4:30pm then go check on the dog get changed and go to work by 5:30 6ish and then get home about 10pm try to wind down and go to sleep. The crappy thing is I keep forgetting to eat dinner. It's too early to eat before my second shift and after I just want to crawl into bed =/ *sigh* so anyways good story from my training. It was my third night training and things were going really well, I used to waitress for this company years ago so it has really all just been a review, I was training with this really awesome dude he was super nice and made me more comfortable than anyone else had. So, I get this table that's GF (gluten free) and you know I am trying to accommodate her but we don't have a GF menu so she ends up ordering just a grilled chicken breast. First the salad I brought her I forgot no croutons (mental head slap) then I am at another table when I see them bringing out her food....S O B! they put fries on her plate and its all over her chicken!!! Normally this wouldn't be an issue however our fries are fried in the same oil as other wheat things...so I'm like crap!!! I swoop in and grab her plate and tell her I'll have it fixed right away. I'm feeling pretty heated as I march into the kitchen with my trainer right behind me and put the plate in the window kinda in a "strong voice" say, "guys! gluten free means no french fries!" I told them to fix it and stomped off to check on my table. As I go back into the kitchen to check on my order I hear creepy cook telling Manager 2 and I quote "If that little bitch ever talks to me like that again I'm gonna..." that's apparently when he noticed me. Oh and my trainer started flipping out because he was pissed CC called me a bitch. Anyway I was like oopps....I really didn't mean to piss anyone off or to have it directed at anyone in specific I just wanted it fixed. here I go on a little rant...I dated a guy for several years that I am still friends with who was highly allergic to chicken and a few other things so I know how serious food allergies really are. So that should have been something they took totally seriously and the ticket didn't even say fries any where on it?! well we had just been over not yelling at the cooking in the shift meeting so I'm thinking crap...I'm gonna get reamed M2 got M1 and they took CC in the office to talk to him and then they took my trainer in the office and then it was my turn =( pfft...well they just wanted me to recount the incident, I told them how I remembered it and went on with my night I guess I wasn't in trouble he was for calling me names. Still it was crazy I was like damn wow it's only my third night! but I mean so far everything is cool he apologized to me and I was like whatever dude. I don't really like him not at all. Here is the thing I sat down with M1 last night and we talked about shit we talked about what it was like when I worked at the other location and the things that I see that need improvement at this store and honestly I am hoping that I can make a difference for the better at this store and teach everyone to work as a team.



Back to the rest of my blog...So I think I am going to let that doctor do my tattoo removal. I am terrified but I am ready to do something with my wrists. She seems pretty reputable and like I said I am ready. I will probably start off with one or two treatments before I head off to Japan but we will have to see!





In other news had a 4th of July party (didn't get pictures of my treats **mental head slap**) but it was pretty fun swimming, food, and friends =) GB came and T3, BFF, BFF bf, and some other people I know were there. It was good. Later we went to crash this other party that was LAME!! then I went home hung out with Neo and went to bed. Seriously though I made some awesome treats. There was a triple layer pie, raspberry cupcakes, dirt dessert and I made BLT pasta salad. Other than that hot dogs and hamburgers. Oh!! and BFF's famous apricot brandy slush!



All in all things have been alright lately I just need to get more sleep.

Boys! ugh!

So mad at Neo!!!

....humpf...

I have been seeing Geology Boy and I really like him! He is nice and smart..a little too shy sometimes but It's manageable. So we had this *should have been the best date ever* date the other night and everything was going well. Until *da da dunnnn* every time he kissed me stupid Neo had to float into my head and ruin my good time. I really thought I was okay and then I got out to my car when I was leaving and burst into tears. I am so mad at him and mad at myself that I can't have a real and good and wonderful relationship because I still want him. I pisses me off soooo much I just want to scream!!!!
*ugh*
So I went over to BFF's house and she got me kinda tipsy. Even before I started drinking I decided I need to tell Neo exactly how he makes me feel (i figured really...he can't ignore me or think I am anymore crazy then he probably already does so eff it). So I did; I am pretty sure he thinks I am nuts lol but I don't even care anymore. I can't help the way my stupid heart feels. Also I refuse to give up on GB just because I had some issues with Neo being in my head it didn't make me like or feel any less for GB it just pissed me off. lol meh whatever I am proud of myself for spilling my guts to Neo and I am proud of myself for still trying with GB. I just hope that one of these days my heart can either move on or Neo comes to his senses ( because really I am pretty much amazing) What? Okay, but being cocky makes me feel better about the whole thing.

Well in other Dre news I have an appt to talk to a doctor about laser removal for my tattoos, long story but I have a effed up tattoo I need partially removed to be fixed, today I am nervous but really excited and I hope she rocks because I am so ready to fix my tattoos. Oh oh oh other good news I got a second job!!!! How badass is that! Seriously stoked! I guess that is about it. I hung out with Hurricane and her son this weekend it was good times I love her and him to death. Random note to BFF sorry for peeing in that cup...It seemed like a good idea at the time. Well time to return to work! Can't wait to go home making rosemary chicken and lots of cupcakes tonight!!! =)

I'll try to add some fun photos later but my computer at home is broken =/

Politics

I feel as though I have very little authority to even express my feelings right now because I know I am not so well educated on the events and the history of the things I am going to briefly discuss however these things have been effecting my train of thought deeply.

See when I am at work and it is a relatively slow day I spend a good majority of my time reading articles (news or other mindless non-sense) recently I became obsessed, more than obsessed consumed, with the Air France crash in the Atlantic. I was reading every bit of news that surfaced and felt an overwhelming relief when they finally stated discovering bodies. I don't really know why I have never had such strong emotions about a plane crash before. Maybe it's because I am going to be flying to Japan this fall or maybe it's because I am getting older and realizing the true mortality of the fragile human race. I don't know but things like this in the media have started to consume me. I looked up as many facts about the general area where the plane crashed and searched to see if there were any islands in the area.


Shortly after my infatuation with airfrance it was the 20th anniversary for the Tinanmen Square Massacre. I had never even heard of this before!!!! I mean aren't we supposed to learn about this stuff in school? Anyhow I quickly became intrigued and decided to read up and learn as much as I could. Which I still think could have been a better learning experience for me if it wasn't for the fact that China acts as if it never happened. It's crazy the things in recent history that I never knew about I mean I just read all about the SLA that was active in the mid-seventies probably two or three months ago for the first time.


I read the story and watched the horrible video of the death of Neda Soltani and it really disturbed me. The fact that no one news station seemed to be reporting the exact same thing about her, the fact that the Iranian government had banned memorial services for her, my lack of the true understanding of whats going on in the rest of the world, and last of all I kinda of expected more of a response from myself to the video. It's pretty effed up the way that society has desensitized us to death. I mean you see her die in that video and there is blood and everything. I should have been crying but I just watched it and felt remorse for her and her family. I wish I would have felt more.

Right now I am trying to figure out who I am and what I stand for. I am trying to take in all these political things that have and are happening around the world and see how I feel. Humans.... so complex.

Bees

Did you know that if all the bees in the world disappeared we would all die?!



Okay fine, I am a tad dramatic...however it is a fact that bees are declining due to ccd. without the bees to pollinate our food we would face a serious crisis. It wouldn't be and instant extinction for us but bees pollinate approx 15-30% of our food and about 15% of our foods food (I'm talking about livestock). This would significantly impact our food supplies. See now I know how I get when I am hungry....and then I think about when I used to waitress and when people get hungry people get mad. People get vicious and rude. Imagine that on a wide scale; there's not enough food to go around....There would be massive civil warring. Things would go downhill fast for the human race.


This is when I got this crazy idea to get some bees and be a beekeeper...in my backyard...(this was only about three short weeks after the babydoll lamb incident). Pfft I'll admit I get a lot of crazy ideas but, some of them are good! So I spend the whole day researching bees and the ccd problem and I decided I want bees. I have always really like them and maybe it would help their population. Well after I get my heart set on bees I go home and tell my parents about the idea. That's when things went south. My dad almost had a effing heart attack. we got into a pretty good screaming match about the damn bees. Sometimes I think I just get him all riled up because it makes my life more interesting.

Well, needless to say I have to put my dreams of bees on the back burner for now. I hope someday to be able to have bees though. Maybe even my own honey =) that would make me happy.


all photo's courtesy of Sylvan

Dating...again

Well I won't say I have given up on Neo but I have decided that I want to date again mostly because I met this really cool guy.


It's kind of complicated and I am not sure how I feel about everything. I mean on this one side I am like smitten for this guy who doesn't and probably never will love me, on the other side I just met this really awesome, smart, attractive, successful guy who I am very into. Then you slice me in half and see the inside of me and I am scared and reluctant to get in a relationship knowing that I will soon be jetting off to Japan for sometime and then upon my arrival home my life will most definitely be flipped upside down radically when I start school again and run off to Europe for part of my summer. I am terrified knowing that the next year of my life is going to be me growing exponentially doing things I never thought I would or could and if I do decided to seriously date can a relationship survive all of the changes and challenges that are going to commence?

Also I am terrified (irrationally) that when I least expect it Neo will by some twist of fate change his mind and decided he is hopelessly in love with me and then I face the ultimate horror of deciding who I would pick. Honestly if this scenario were to ever play out I would hope with all of my heart that I would pick the other man not Neo. I want someone to make me forget all about him. I want to meet someone and love them so much that I don't lose my breath when I hear his name, that I don't feel that pang in my stomach. Seriously, I would love to find someone that I love that much and loves me back =)


Back to the importance of now though I dont know if dating is honestly the best idea. So much is going to happen in my life in the next year I just dont know =/

It's been too long

So sorry for the lack of updates recently life has been a little busy and crazy.

I have been doing a massive amount of house sitting which is nice I like the money and it can be nice to sort of have my own place (lol) but, I really miss my babies when I am gone. Oh speaking of babies seriously freaky I keep having dreams about them...dreams where I have a baby and it is freaking me out. First one I was cuddling with a little boy (my little boy apparently) he was adorable but, i woke up and was all WTF I don't have any kids **breathe deeply**. Then I had a dream where I actually gave birth to a little girl. When they handed her to me I was admiring her and the strange thing was she was black, I mean obviously she didn't have the pigment yet but I seemed fully aware she would develop the pigmentation of an African American. Strange dreams.

Other than that just working and looking desperately for a second job. Totally broke right now, it's bumming me out. Oh! and I think I am finally falling back into dating which is probably a very healthy turn for me =) (maybe after Wednesday I'll give some details). Oh, and about people dating BFF recently got a BF which is cool but I wont lie I am scared I am gonna lose her to a boy. She doesn't seem worried by this which eases my fear. I am pretty excited about her BF he is nice and he is like me CRAZY lol. So I think we are going to get along okay.

Almost forgot I quit drinking like for real. I has been three weeks tomorrow! I am so proud of myself. I have had a few times where I am like man I would really like a glass of wine but for the most part it is really effing easy and I don't even mind being the sober one when I go out with my friends. Not drinking is surprisingly cool. It makes me happy to wake up and know every little thing I did the night before and not have to call anyone to apologize for anything. I do plan on drinking again at some point but when I do I am going to try very hard to have learned my limits and remember that I can have more fun sober than trashed.

I need to get back to work so check out this song it's AMAZING!! <3



Headlights-Put us back together right